


A Last Goodbye Is Never What We're Here For

by mirospherespeckles



Category: Marianas Trench
Genre: Anxiety, Bullying, Depression, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Emotional Abuse, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Late 1990s, M/M, Makeup, Manipulation, Marijuana Use, Minor Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Poor Familial Relations, Rebuilding bridges, Running Away, Semi-Graphic Self Harm, Severe Bullying, Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, Substance Abuse, Texting, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 02:52:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10822218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirospherespeckles/pseuds/mirospherespeckles
Summary: What lengths would you go to save your best friend from themselves? Matt would do almost anything - from trying to cheer Josh up on a bad day, to even agreeing to take part in a friends with benefits relationship. Yeah, let's see how fast this goes downhill.





	1. One B*tch of a Day

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first AO3 upload, so I hope you guys like it.

Like he did on every Monday morning, Matt Webb stood in front of the bathroom mirror trying to fix the mess of brown that was his hair. _Maybe part it on the left_ , he thought to himself. Nope. If that was even possible, it looked worse than normal.

"Matt!" his sister, Amanda, yelled. "Are you done yet? I swear, you take longer than I do to get ready." Was this going to happen every day this year, now that they were both in high school? He hoped not.

He sighed, then just messed up his hair again. Another day, another terrible hair moment. It's not like it mattered; his friends at school wouldn't know the difference. Then again, these were the same friends that made bullshit remarks about how Matt couldn't just kiss someone without knowing them. Not just the good old " _hi, how are you_?" or " _what's your favourite colour_?" small talk. He had to have a connection. They just didn't get it.

_At least their reactions weren't as odd as his parents were_ , he thought. _My friends may be weirded out, but at least they make an effort. Maybe he should spend some more time with his parents, they gave him life—_

"Matt! Hurry up!" his sister's voice rang out, distracting him from his thoughts.

"Sure," he replied. Maybe she would go away. His hair was good enough. Just like everything else. It didn't matter, like most things.

He had a tendency to dig himself a pit in his mind; to get so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he couldn't get out. It was a bad habit, one his mother called a waste of time. The more thinking he did, the less he talked. The less he talked, the less his parents wanted to talk to him. _Good enough._

Matt unlocked the door, walked outside into his yard, and waited for Josh to walk by. Josh, with the shaggy black hair that fell into his perfect blue eyes just right. It's not that he _liked_ Josh in a more than best friends manner. He just thought that the older boy was slightly attractive. Okay, maybe he did; it wasn't something Josh needed to know, however.

He twiddled his thumbs and got straight to thinking. It was better than nothing, after all. Josh was one of the few friends Matt had that accepted the younger boy for who he was, whereas his other friends just taunted him. Maybe it was the eyeliner Josh wore, or maybe it was the nail polish; for some reason, Matt had a feeling that Josh might like him back.

Whatever the two of them were, he was sure the kids at school would find it weird as hell. He snapped himself out of his thoughts; he had to stay alert. If Josh made him late one more time...

A long five minutes and 30 noisy teenagers later, a tall human being sped past, dragging Matt along with him.

"Hey," the person said. Speak of the fucking devil.

"You really need to stop doing that, Josh. Someday, you're going to break a limb." He could hear Josh slow to a walk beside him. A sigh fell from Matt's mouth. "Long night?" he asked.

"Yeah. Couldn't sleep no matter where I was. At some point, I just gave up and went back upstairs to get coffee. If I can't sleep, I may as well get some shit done." Josh sighed. "I fell asleep in the kitchen at, like, five. Barely had time to eat breakfast."

Matt closed his eyes and stopped walking. Josh would've walked right past him, had Matt not grabbed his friend's arm.

"Did you actually eat something?" he said, trying to stop the blood from rushing to his face. "This is how you slipped up before."

Josh shrugged, avoiding Matt's gaze. "I did eat something... Just not much."  
Matt heard his friend's stomach growl.

"That's what you said yesterday," he muttered. "Keep going, we're going to be late." He couldn't believe that Josh was skipping meals again. Especially after landing himself in the hospital last year because of it.

"I won't fuck up again, dude. At least, not in that way; new year, new mistake."

The conversation continued for several minutes, but not without discomfort.   
"Can...can we just not talk about this anymore?" Matt said once the school came up in view.

Josh nodded solemnly and ran ahead, leaving the younger boy on his own. _Throw me to the wolves already, why don't you_? he thought.

He pasted on a smile and headed to his locker, shoved his bags in and walked over to the glee club kids that were his "friends."

"Hey guys." He waved awkwardly. Monday was always the hardest. The people were touchier and more mean.

"Hey Webb," Ronnie replied, batting her eyelashes. He rolled his eyes, but kept his mouth shut. He hated when she did this, because no one can control who they like.

"Ronnie, let him go. You two don't even know each other well enough for him to even _want_ to kiss you," Jason teased, ignoring Matt's presence. He hated it even more when an old friend of his, Jason, joined in.

"Yeah, let him go. I'm pretty sure he would rather screw around with what's-his-name–" Delia said.

"Josh," Matt interjected. This is about as close to fighting back as it got for him. _Don't stir up more drama, just try and get rid of it_.

"Yeah, him. I swear, he's about as gay as you are," she said.

Matt chuckled, knowing his "friends" would never get it. He pat Delia and Jason on the back, discouraging the taunting. "Never gonna happen. He's a friend anyway."

Ronnie replied, "but that's just what you're into, isn't it?" Maybe it was, but it's not like he was going to say that.

The warning bell rang, sending Matt on his way to science; the one class he didn't have with his "friends," and spent with Josh instead.

"–and that's when he..." Josh said to a friend of his, trailing off once he saw Matt. "See you! Hey Matt...could you...?" Josh said. Even though Matt wanted to skip class to figure out what's been going on with Josh, he had to actually go to science for a change unless he planned to fail.

"Sorry, can't. Goldberg is going to be pissed." Josh's face fell, but Matt had to worry about himself for a change. As much as Josh tried, he had no attention span for anything but music. That usually led to him failing a class or two a year, hence why Matt and Josh were both in grade 10 science.

He took his usual seat by the window, and looked outside. It was a sunny day, which was uncharacteristic for a Vancouver autumn. The bell rang. Matt glanced behind him, and Josh wasn't there in his usual back row desk.

He pulled out his little phone and typed a message with the buttons.

**May 5, 2002**   
**8:25 am**

**To Josh: Where the hell are you?**   
**-Matt**

A reply popped up a minute later, an envelope on the small screen opening and closing with "you have a new message" written in bold below.

**October 3, 2001**   
**8:26 am**

**I just needed a break. Sorry**   
**-Josh**

Mr. Goldberg was already glaring at Matt, so he shut his phone and put it his desk. Not without sending another message a few minutes, however.

**May 5, 2002**   
**8:28 am**

**Be careful**   
**-Matt**

When Josh needed a break, it meant one of two things: he was either in a bad mood and was smoking a cigarette outside or was in trouble and was locked in the nearest bathroom; neither was particularly healthy.

"Mr. Webb, if you could bear to listen for a moment: tell me what 'mitochondria' is? In detail, if you please," the teacher boomed.

"It has something to do with energy, right?" Matt replied.

"Not correct, Mr. Webb. Would you care to tell me where Mr. Ramsay is? It seems you two spend a lot of time together."

_Shit, this is bad,_ he thought. _If I ask to be excused, he's going to think I'm sneaking off_. Sadly, this teacher wasn't very fond of Matt. At least they agreed to disagree.

"I, um...I don't know, sir," he lied. "I   
h-haven't had enough time to check."

"Could I have your cellular phone, then?" Mr. Goldberg said.

Matt blushed and walked up to the teacher, giving his cellphone away.  
"You _should_ be getting it back at the end of the day."

"Yessir..." Matt said, and staggered slowly back to his seat. He swore he could see a few people laughing

The rest of science class went by slowly, making the hour feel like three. By the time class was over, Matt dragged himself into one of the many boys restrooms in the school. He searched through the stalls, and all he saw was the face of a disgruntled ninth grader and the dick of some random angry dude.

After shedding the image of the past few minutes, Matt headed into another bathroom, the rarely used ones up in the French wing. If Josh wasn't in there, Matt wouldn't know where to look.

"Ramsay?" Matt called out. "Josh!" he yelled. "I know you're in here; you're not willing to walk that far just to skip class. Josh?" He tried to be a bit more gentle right now. All he could hear was the slow, but his own steady breathing, and the click of a lock.

"In here," a voice said meekly, sniffling.

Matt followed the voice and pushed open the door. There Josh was, head buried in his knees.

Matt kneeled down next to his friend, rubbing slow circles on Josh's back. He pretended that he couldn't feel the bones of Josh's spine through his shirt. "Hey. I...I'm sorry about earlier," Matt said. "Are you alright?"

Josh shook, sobs tearing through him. He spoke, but the only word either boy could decipher was "fuck." His trembling hand rested itself on Matt's shoulder, needing someone to make his demons get the hell away. Matt tried not to see the scrapes on Josh's knuckles; he didn't know what they were from, and it wasn't the current issue.

Josh lifted his head up, looking Matt in the eye. A bruise flowered across his cheek, leaving his naturally pale skin a sickening shade of purple. "Don't worry about me. You have your own problems. I'm fine–" his breath hitched. "N-nothing's wrong."

"Just breathe, Josh. You're clearly not fine, but I'm not going to bug you about it." Matt pulled Josh's head into his lap, letting him cry. "Clearly, it's been a bitch of a day," he muttered.

"No...fucking...shit!" Josh said in between breaths. Matt just wanted Josh to stop crying. It hurt him just to see Josh so vulnerable.

Matt brushed Josh's hair out of his eyes, in another attempt to stop this from becoming a worse situation. Close up, Matt could see the dark circles under his friend's eyes, losing that spark of mischief that both excited and frightened him.   
"Can you hear my breathing?" Josh nodded. "Try to mimic it, okay?"

"I...can...try. Easier...when you're not...fucking hyperventilating..." Josh said, voice and body shaking with fear.

Matt sighed, trying to keep the frustration from his voice. "Please, Josh. For me...this isn't easy for any of us. Think of how your parents–"

The bell rang, signalling for the students to get to class. Neither boy moved.

"They don't know about anything. The only thing they caught onto was the not eating last year. Nothing else." Josh took a deep breath. "They have no idea. Please, can we keep it that way? Please?"

"I'm not going to tell them, i-it's not my place... You can stay over at my house tonight, see the new environment helps you sleep." Since nothing else worked, he may as well try distraction. 

"It probably won't, but it's better than nothing..." Josh said, sniffling. His hyperventilating had _thankfully_ since stopped, but the tears continued to fall.

"Try it, for me. You only get this bad when you haven't slept in three days." Matt thought carefully about what to say next. "You're scaring me, Josh."

"Are you sure it's not the raccoon face?" Josh said, referring to the eyeliner that had ran down his face mid-cry. The little smile that was placed on his face only made the moment weirder.

Matt chuckled. "Pretty damn sure."

"Can I tell you what happened now?" Josh said, turning onto his back. The dark circles under his eyes were getting pretty bad, from what Matt could see. Whatever was going on with Josh, it certainly wasn't very pleasant.  
"I think I'm ready."

"Today, or the past few weeks?"

"One kind of bleeds into the other." Josh just stared at the ceiling. "'Scuse the pun."

_Josh walked into school the previous Friday, not feeling particularly happy, but not really feeling anything else either. He could feel the stares on his back, being the only guy in the vicinity who wore any makeup. Y'see, these looks wouldn't have usually bothered him. In fact, he usually wouldn't have minded the attention much, but this was a particularly self-conscious day for Josh. It was like they could tell what he did to himself this morning. It wasn't like the throwing up made things any better; just a bit more bearable._

_He walked to his locker, ignoring the jocks shoving him into the wall, and the laughs from the drama club kids. His throat was sore, but it hurt so frequently, he didn't really feel it anymore. Like everything else, it was 'ignore, ignore, ignore' just to get through the day. By this point, Matt would've been hanging out with his friends from choir, so Josh couldn't go over there. It was a class he was in as well, but that particular crowd of people were never that nice to him. What could he say? Some people just didn't like him._

_Josh went to math, a class he had just barely passed last year. He didn't turn much in, just the small amount of class work that was mandatory; it made sense that he was barely pulling a D-minus._

_"Good to see you here, Mr. Ramsay," the teacher said, a fake smile etched on her ever-so-cruel looking face. He could feel her eyes carefully watching him, as if he would run out of the room that very second._

_"Nice to see you, too, ma'am," he said nervously._

_Josh slowly walked to his desk, staring at the ground. It was like_ they _could see the insignificant scrapes on his hand. He sat next to one of his friends, Brennan, and waited in silence for class to start._

_"Are you okay?" Brennan asked. Josh just shook his head and ignored his friend._

_There were about a dozen other equally bored students in the room; all of them waiting for a horrible teacher to start her class. The elastic that Josh used on his wrists instead of a razor was starting to pinch._

_He snapped it against his wrist. Not too much, only five times. No matter how much he did it, it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't leave any scars. Josh saw Brennan give a look of concern in the corner of his eye, mouthing the words "are you okay?"_

_"No," Josh mouthed back. But had he really ever been okay?_

_By the time class had started five minutes later than it was supposed to, Josh was already engrossed in his own mind; a place dangerous to go into on a good day, but deadly on a bad one. Thoughts about his weight somehow got in there, making the already upset boy worse._

_"Fatass"_

_"Cutting freak"_

_"Cock sucker"_

_"Emo whore"_

_Josh continued to snap the elastic against his wrist, which was resting under the desk. The voices in his head wouldn't leave him alone; for a change, it was his own voice._ Snap. _What the hell was he thinking, Matt will just leave him, anyway. Just like everyone else._ Snap. _Nobody ever stayed long. They left, they always left. They would, just because it was easier._ Snap.

_He could feel the little blade in his pocket. Maybe he could..._ No.  
 _He couldn't. At least, not in class. The cuts from last time were healing up nicely, mostly just scars now. Maybe he could go to the bathroom after class. Use the one upstairs, in the French wing, that nobody ever used. He could make the pain physical, take the time to get out of his own head. It would be nice._

_He had made it a month since cutting; the bad thing was, it was probably the longest he's gone in a year._ God, he could use a hit right now _. The stress was really starting to get to him. Seriously, he needed a fucking break._

_"Trying to forget again, freak? It won't work. The feelings never die."_

_He hated how he needed the heroin, but he just didn't want to let it go. The bell rang in his ear, signaling that it was time to leave. Brennan opened his mouth again, but Josh ran off before he could find out what his friend was trying to say._

_The bathroom was easy to find, it being the only one that Josh used. He figured he could stay here until class started, and sneak outside for a smoke once everyone was out of the halls._

_Josh pulled the razor out of his pocket. He bit on his lip as he dragged it slowly across his hip, doing the damage he so needed. Hearing a mumble from the stall over, he shoved the razor back in pocket. With the click of a lock, he was out of the safety of the stall, and face to face with one of his greatest tormentors: Alex Peters._

Well shit, _he thought to himself._  
 _"It seems I've been caught..." Josh mumbled out loud._

_"'Been caught' doing what, freak?" Alex said, shoving Josh into the wall, putting pressure on the newly formed cut._

_Josh kept his mouth shut, afraid to speak. He could feel the stinging from his side, and the blood was seeping into his shirt._

_Alex's eyes dropped their gaze to Josh's pocket, where the little bloody blade had been resting. It was sticking out; Josh didn't push it far enough into his pocket. Anyone could've seen it, trained eye or not._

_"Oh? Is the emo freak cutting himself in the bathroom again?" Josh shook with terror. They knew?_

_"N-no I...I'm not," he stuttered. He had been so careful trying to hide the blood, even cleaning the cuts properly. It hurt like a bitch, but if it meant not going to the hospital, he'd do it._

_To make matters worse, another student had walked in: a friend of Matt's. Josh didn't know the guy's name– all he knew was that it ended in '-ason,' or something like that. Josh saw the confused guy standing against the wall. It wasn't like he was going to butt in; that would be a death sentence._

_"Get out, Moriarty!" Alex grunted. "Can't you see that I'm trying to get this little fag to talk?" Alex said, kneeing Josh in the stomach._

_Josh squirmed, trying not to cry out; he didn't need anyone else to know what the hell was going on in his head. "Leave me alone..." he mumbled under his breath. Jason ran out as quickly as he ran in after hearing the whimpering._

_"What did you say, you little freak?!" Alex growled. He grabbed Josh's hair and yanked on it, creating a feeling of pain in the back of his skull. "Tell me!"_

_"L-leave me the fuck alone, man..." Josh said, raising his voice ever so slightly. Alex yanked his head back farther, and slammed it against the wall._

_All Josh could do with the pain rippling through him was crumple to the ground. Alex left the bathroom, leaving the boy on the floor. He rested there in a heap, only moving to purposely empty his stomach out in a bathroom stall half an hour later. No one was there to see him do it, so he felt there was no harm. Little did he know how much harm would come._

"What can I say, Matt?" Josh said, his head still resting in his best friend's lap.  
"I'm a mess."

What could Josh have done to deserve this? He was the most honest person Matt had met. His eyes bore into your soul, leaving nothing in their path unseen; lips the most kissable they possibly could've been.

Matt wanted to, but it would've been _so stupid_. Josh was just a friend, and a kiss between the two of them would screw something up.

"Yeah, you are a mess, Ramsay. You're my mess." Matt chuckled, brushing Josh's hair out of his eyes. He could feel the butterflies wanting to burst from free his stomach. Josh was so, so beautiful, but he hated himself more than other people hated him. _How could he not see it?_ "But seriously, are you okay?"

"Y-yeah, I'm fucking terrific. That's what getting beat up twice in one week earns, right?"

Matt chuckled before resuming his previous serious persona. "Right. Look, we need to talk about this. Why do you let this happen to yourself? Why don't you fight it?"

"If we're going to talk about this, I want to be able to look at you..." Josh said before sitting up. "I'm only going to be able to say this once." Matt nodded, letting Josh keep talking. "You said I could stay over tonight? I think I'm going to take you up on that offer, since spilling my guts out here would not be the best idea. All I can say is that, after awhile, I just started to deserve it. My head is a fucked up place and everyone knows it; they just don't know why. They don't want to know, Matt." He sighed. "It would give them another reason to hate me."

The bell rang, and they shared a glance before leaving. Without another word, Matt was off to his lunch break, and Josh was off to do god know what.


	2. Tonsil Hockey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drugs and awkward kissing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually forgot I posted this on here, which is why the update took so long. Hope you guys like this one.

It was last period, or at least, Josh thought it was. He hadn't been back to school since lunch; he didn't need Matt to pressure him to eat. Hell, he couldn't even remember where he was. ~~~~The sense of euphoria in his mind was overwhelming, and his mind was in a daze. Or maybe it was the heroin smoke. Either way, he couldn't really see that far. He took another drag and let the smoke cloud out in front of him. Sometimes, when the cycle of bad was broken, he'd imagine little pictures in the smoke. Today was one of those days. For once, Josh felt okay. He was depressed, he had no idea where the shit he was, but he was okay. Just because of some heroin. He felt light and airy... Airy? ...Hairy? ...Hair? Who was someone in his life who had hair? His mother had hair... no, that wasn't it. His sisters did as well... still not it. Maybe it was Alex Peters he was supposed to do something with... no... he wouldn't meet up with Alex unless he had to. Ugh, why did Jason have to walk in on Alex hurting him? Did he have something to do with Jason now? Isn't he in choir...? Like Josh was supposed to be currently... Hm, he wondered if Matt was in class. Matt!He was supposed to be meeting Matt after school...

Most of the heroin on the tin foil had turned to solid while Josh had himself lost in thought, and had become useless, so Josh shoved it into his bag along with his lucky lighter. He was pretty sure that he was running low, and made a mental note to get more soon. Josh probably should've gone home to drop his stuff off, but he couldn't let his family see him like this. They were so used to him being 'fine' rather than actually being just happy. Maybe he could just go over to Matt's a little early, but no, he couldn't; nobody would be home, and Josh only had the keys to his own house. Well, he guessed that meant going home. He walked to his house, a smile on his face. Josh unlocked the door, and his mother, Corlynn, was standing in the kitchen, appearing to be staring on dinner.

"Hey, mom," he said.

"Hi, sweetie. Aren't you home a bit early today?" she asked, her gaze resting on whatever was currently in the refrigerator.

"I, uh, no, um... choir was cancelled today... Mrs. Stanhearst was out sick today. There was no point staying late," he lied.

His mother sighed. "Well, then. Will you be eating with us this evening, or do you have too much homework?"

He couldn't eat with his family, because Matt's mother would probably offer him food, too. That would give him way more than the two hundred calories he wanted to eat. Well, it wouldn't matter that much; he would empty his stomach later anyway.

"Actually, Matt invited me over. His mom'll give me some food, and there's no point in eating twice." Lies. He wouldn't eat, and he'd lie his way out of later's offer as well. "I'm staying the night, because I have a science project to work on...and there'd be no point in coming home late and waking you up." More lies, there was no project at all. Even if there was, he wouldn't work on it. "I'm just going to pack up some stuff to bring over there. Books and stuff."

His mother walked closer to him. She took a deep breath. Shit. If she knows, I'm dead.

"What happened to your face?" she said, concern evident. Her hands pushed his hair out of his eyes, reminiscent of his moment with Matt earlier. Matt. He cared so much. "This looks like it hurt a lot."

"I...fell, during school. Hit my head on a locker..." Lies. Alex strikes again. It hurts like a bi–" He caught himself before slipping into his old speech habits. "–bite. Hurts like a horse fly bite." She smiled at him, and gave him a hug. She took a deep breath, her head buried in Josh's chest.

"You've grown up so fast. My little baby, already sixteen years old. Next year, you're going to be in university. Oh honey..." she sighed. "Next year, your father and I will be on our own again. You grew up so fast... Can you believe it? Moving out, starting university?"

No, he wouldn't. He'd be dead, what, with everything he did to himself.

Josh chuckled, anxiety setting in, but still happy. "No, I really can't."

His mother stepped back. "You smell like vinegar." Shit, he had been caught. "Is everything alright?"

The smell of heroin clearly on his clothes, Josh lied once more. "Yeah. I just spilled some disinfectant on myself during science. You know how jittery I can get..."

"Well, in that case, I'll let you get packing," his mother said, walking away. "Try and eat something while you're there, okay? You're feeling a bit thin there."

As Josh walked up the stairs, the happy feeling he had felt had faded slightly, starting to change into the sense of 'ugh' he hated. He had to be fast; whenever that feeling came, he wasn't able to do anything but sit there. He threw whatever clothes that smelled least like heroin into his backpack, along with books, some money, and a pack of cigarettes. Just to tie him over until he could get more. His bag was zipped, and his mind set. Josh ran out the door, speeding down the street, and only slowing down his gait once he neared his definition.

•

Matt sat on his living room couch, anticipation spiking through him. He couldn't sit still; his fingers were shaking and his feet were tapping. When the doorbell finally rang, Matt jumped off the couch and answered the door. Standing there was Josh, who looked even more on edge than Matt.

"Come in," Matt said, trying to sound as calm as possible. "You're shaking...   
I-is everything okay?"

"Everything is perfect. Why wouldn't it be?" Josh replied with a smile.

Matt stood there shaking his head. "Come on, let's go." Matt dragged Josh upstairs, leaving dirt tracks throughout the house.

Josh slammed the door to Matt's bedroom behind them, confused as to what's going on. The raven haired boy stood there staring at Matt. His eyes are so perfect. They're like ice. Wait, no. Ice was too cold. They were more like crystal. Just...perfect, Matt thought to himself. His hair just makes them stand out even more. How can he not see how beautiful he is? The light reflected just perfectly into the room through the window, just making Josh's eyes even more amazing. Oh shit, his room was a mess, why didn't he clean up earlier? There were clothes everywhere, even covering the little keyboard in the corner. Why was he freaking out so much? This was Josh, who's room was fucking messier than his own.

"You've been acting a little weird lately. Is everything alright? I mean, you're weird normally, but... you've been skipping more than usual, and the spaciness..." Matt paused. "You're really scaring me. Please, tell me Josh."

"Why the fuck would anything be wrong? Seriously, man. Everything is fine. I'm fine, my life is fine, and yes, I'm eating. Quit worrying!"

"What's going on with you? Is everything okay? Like, seriously! Earlier, like...I mean, earlier you said..." Matt trailed off.

"I am absolutely fine," Josh said, beaming. "Look, I'm even smiling! When have you seen me smile, man? I mean, this shit-show doesn't smile very often!" Josh leaned in closer to Matt, his hands on the younger boy's shoulders

"The only time you smile like this is when you're high as shit! What's wrong?" Matt pulled Josh's hands off of his shoulders in frustration. "You said earlier that you'd tell me, that you'd finally let me in. I'm sick of being left out, so just–" Matt was cut off by Josh's lips smashing into his.

Matt tried to pull away from the kiss, but when he opened his mouth accidentally, Josh's tongue slipped through and tangled with his own. Matt felt a hand grabbing his ass, and holy shit he felt fireworks...or nervousness. Also, something poking his inner thigh, but what could you say? Matt was kissing the one person he wanted to kiss. In the heat of the moment, Josh pushed Matt against the door, further deepening the kiss. It felt weird to be kissing his best friend, but it was the most amazing feeling he'd ever felt; it was what he wanted. Just not right now. Josh tasted like cigarette smoke and something else bitter that Matt couldn't identify; an odd combination, but it was better than you'd think. Being kissed was like a hug; warm and tender, just beautifully amazing. It wasn't Matt's first kiss – that went to Katie Schumacher at the grade eight graduation dance – but it was the one he had enjoyed most. The moment continued, and little kisses trailed down Matt's neck, his breathing ragged and heavy. He bit his lip, trying to stifle a moan. Nobody could hear this, because oh my gosh, two boys making out. They'd be teased more at school if anybody found out. His eyes were as wide as saucers. Sure, he wanted this. Oh, he really wanted this, but not when Josh was feeling down. He didn't want to take advantage of his friend.

Whatever the hell was going on, he didn't want to make Josh feel worse.

"C-could you get off of me?" Matt said, afraid that things could go wrong. "This, um, it's not a good time."

The kisses went further down Matt's neck, reaching his collarbone.

"Stop it. I really don't need this to happen." Matt tried to shove Josh off of him. He really didn't want this right now.

"If you could stop, we should really talk about this!" Matt pushed his arms out in front of him, creating distance between Josh and himself. He ducked under Josh's arms.

The kisses stopped. "Matty, why'd you move?"

Matt blushed. The last person to use that nickname was his mother, when he was much younger, in a very different context.

"You said you wanted to talk about earlier..."

Josh moved away from Matt and went to sit on the bed.

"Well, not anymore." Within a minute, Josh was in a weird, lucid half-sleep.

Something like his had happened before, when the two of them had tried weed at a party. Matt had just had some weird floaty sensation, and was back to normal within the hour, and never tried anything else. Josh got really passionate when he was high, and it led to some interesting scenarios... It had happened before, and now it has happened again. Josh had an addictive personality, and would use whatever he could get, and stick to it; whether it was LSD or ecstasy, Josh didn't really care. He would use it if it made him high and numb. He must've been high if he had gone through with something like this. This frightened Matt, because he often had no idea what was up with his...whatever the fuck they were. The only time it had gotten this bad was when Matt had taken his eyes of of Josh for a minute, and he was already drunk on tequila.

Matt rolled Josh onto his side with little difficulty. Josh was way lighter than he should've been, considering he was over six feet tall. The last thing Matt wanted was Josh choking to death on his own vomit, so he sat there and watched him, just to be sure nothing happened. He was pretty sure rolling someone on their side was what you were supposed to do when they went unconscious. Thankfully, all that happened was Josh mumbling incoherencies in his lucid state, so there was no point in trying to understand it. Matt sat down on the bed and tried to get homework done. Just because Josh was laying there unconscious didn't mean that his younger friend had to do nothing.

"So, what in the hell is this?" Matt said, referring to his algebra work. "This bullshit is the most..." he trailed off. He really should've quit skipping math.

Matt rested there, on his bed for most the better part of three hours before showering to clear his thoughts. When he came back thirty minutes later, Josh was in the same place he was before Matt left; actually sleeping now, instead of whatever highness-induced weirdness he was in before. After Matt's mother checked in, surprised to see Josh asleep before midnight, she quickly left to sleep in her own bedroom across the hall. Matt thought he should get to sleep himself, but he honestly know where to. He didn't want to sleep on the couch just to avoid more awkwardness with Josh, but if it made the situation worse, he didn't want to sleep in his own bed either. Eh, the couch was lumpy and way more discomfort than what the earlier moment was worth. He just climbed into his own too-small-for-two-people bed and tried not to snuggle up to Josh. Matt had slept in the same bed as Josh before, albeit when Matt was much younger, but he could do it again. One five hour sleep and two odd dreams later, Matt awoke with his arms around Josh. This was what he was trying to avoid earlier, dammit. He carefully pulled his arms away, trying not to wake he one he was formerly holding, and tucked them into his pants pocket. Josh rolled slowly to face Matt, making the younger boy jump.

"Oh god, you're awake. I couldn't think of a way to move without you waking up," Josh said, his voice heavy with sleep. "I've... I've been up for awhile, couldn't sleep."

Matt sat up on his bed next to Josh and gave his friend a somewhat harmless peck on the cheek to see if he remembered the weirdass make out session from the previous evening. Maybe there was a chance of memory. Josh was still slightly groggy from whatever the drug he was on wearing off, but was at least able to react to the second kiss.

"What the hell was that for?" Josh mumbled, shrinking away.

Well, it could've been worse. Matt could've been called a freak.

"Could you please tell me what happened last night?" Matt said. "I don't want to remind you of anything you don't want to know. There were some...interesting things that happened."

"Ugh, I... Um, sorry, just give me a minute," Josh said, clearly not used to speaking this early in the day. "I have no idea what the fuck happened... Would you mind telling me... Oh shit, you just asked me that, didn't you?Sorry, I get like this sometimes... Morning stupidity, y'know?" Matt nodded, leaving his friend to talk once more. "I guess yesterday was a bad-ish day. One punch to the dick after the next." Josh took a deep breath. "Speaking of dicks, did Peters say anything to you anything yesterday? Mm, if he did, it was probably my fault. I said something to him before class started and he didn't seem too happy."

Matt chuckled at Josh's attempts of speaking, his voice heavy with exhaustion. "I'm pretty sure you were high. I mean, you were certainly acting like it... and there was some awkward tonsil hockey–"

"Shit, sorry about that. Whatever happened, it was probably like you said. You've seen me like that before, right? Did I do anything else...?"

Matt chuckled. "No, you, um, stopped. Don't worry." Matt scratched his head, trying to minimize the awkwardness. "My mom, uh, checked in once, but she went to sleep before I did. She didn't see anything."

"Okay, then. Was it a good kiss?" Josh laughed until Matt glared at him, telling him to get serious. "D-did anything else happen?"

"Josh, you said you would tell me what the hell was going on yesterday. You were a mess by the time you got here, so that talk was...kind of useless," Matt said, changing the subject.

Josh sat up, but kept his legs under the covers. "Right, um...that," he said, holding his sleeves in their place on his wrist. "I'm going to assume you saw my knuckles yesterday. The old scars on my wrists, too, right?" Matt nodded, not taking his eyes off of Josh. "I don't see why everyone thinks I'm so great. I'm just like everybody else. I guess I can sing, but so can a thousand other people. Why the fuck does that make me great, anyway? My parents think I'm going to do fine out there, on my own, when I'm barely scraping by with their help. How do they think I'm alright? Matt, tell me, do you see me doing okay on my own?" Josh grabbed onto Matt's hand for support. Don't let your face turn red, don't let your face turn red, Matt thought.

An amazing, imperfect, beautiful jackass... Matt thought to himself. "Um, I don't know how to put this... You've always been so you: so loud, so great. Too good for words, Ramsay. You'll do fine." Matt saw Josh chuckle.

"Sure, you say that now, but when everything just falls apart, you'll be surprised by how wrong you are. Everyone will be... I'm broken, I'm a fucking mess. Matt, be honest with me. Why can't you see that?" Josh choked out.

Matt could see an unusual twinkle in Josh's eyes, but soon realized it was a tear threatening to spill over. "You've been strong for so long, and it's hard to see you like this. It terrifies me to see you, someone I looked up to, before I got to know you, talking like this. I've known you for so long, and this is probably the most you've ever scared me." Matt sighed and began rubbing circles on his – whatever they were's –back. "What were you on last night?"

"It was nothing," Josh said defensively. "Don't worry about it. I mean, you've seen me high before and I'm pretty sure it was the same then. The dopey tiredness? Normal. I'm fine."

Lastly came the question that Matt would regret asking for the next few days: "Then what was with the kiss? You wouldn't do that if...everything was fine."

Josh pulled his hands away from Matt's, face reddened. His face turned away in embarrassment, he finally spoke. "Right, that." He sighed. "Like I said before, I was high. The friendliness and shit, all normal."

Matt forced Josh to look at him, putting his hands on his older friend's face. Even thinking of doing this normally would cause Matt to feel nauseous from excitement, but by this point, normal was out the window. "You were high on weed at some party last year. Hell, I was there with you. I tried everything you tried... It wasn't the lack of sobriety. It was *you.* You never did anything like that to me. What was up with the kiss? You only do that to people who pissed you off."

"Because you're a friend. What you said yesterday crossed a line. If I don't eat, it's my choice. It doesn't matter how you feel, because my life is the one that gets ruined. You deserved to have your mind fucked around this." Josh sighed.

If Josh knew how much Matt's mind got messed up last night, it would definitely be equal between them after all these years. Matt inwardly winced at this. He knew what Josh was saying was completely true; Matt shouldn't have said anything yesterday, since it was none of his business. Yet he would have to let Matt worry about him, because that was what best friends did. It was what people did for those they cared about more than anything else in the world. Matt felt a tug of guilt; he shouldn't have brought his own feelings up yesterday, no matter how much he cared. It was never the time to bring his own feelings into the mix. Not now, not ever. Something Josh did was always more important; always messed up bigger. Little old Matt never mattered. He would have to keep his own feelings for Josh hidden just a bit longer, much to his own chagrin. This wasn't the time to spill it. It'll be fine, and all that stuff. Keep it cool, until everything just awkwardly falls out.

"It was a little shocking, yeah. You were high, so I'm not going to hold it against you. Don't worry about it."

Josh smirked before bursting out laughing. "Don't say that until you look at your neck..." he said, glancing below Matt's jaw.

Matt ran into the bathroom, with Josh trailing behind him. Matt craned his neck to the side, getting a better look at the purple mark on his neck. His jaw dropped, and his face was as pale as it possibly could've been.

"Jesus, how am I going to hide this? It's too fucking early to wear a turtleneck. Hell, I don't even own a turtleneck! How the fuck did you do this?" Matt grabbed at his neck, trying to cover the hickey.

Josh laughed loudly, not even trying to stifle the amusement on his face. "Just do what I do: wear a shit ton of makeup to cover it."

It's just Josh, trying to make the situation better. He's not trying to harm you, Matt thought to himself.

Remembering his daily routine, Josh grabbed his bag and started on his eyeliner. He handed Matt some concealer, forgetting how pale he was in comparison to the naturally tan Matt.

Matt laughed, before pushing the concealer back towards Josh. "I don't think this will work that well, Ramsay. You're the pasty one, remember?"

Josh realized his error and smiled. "M'sorry. I guess you're stuck with people thinking you got lucky yesterday..." Josh said. "Unless we use your sister's makeup?"

"That's not really going to happen; don't know what I'm going to find in there, and I don't have the balls to check. Guess I'm stuck like this, then," Matt said, gesturing to his neck for the second time that morning.

The two continued getting ready in silence, except for the occasional laughter, for another five minutes until the rest of the house woke up.

Within another ten, there was someone pounding on the bathroom door. "Hurry up! Matt, if you're in here for as long as you were yesterday–" his sister yelled.

"We'll be out in a minute!" Josh said.

Matt cringed inwardly, and shirked away from the source of his nervousness. Why was today the day that Josh decided to talk to Matt's family? He never spoke to them before. He was usually even quieter than he was at school.

Matt shook his arms around in frustration, looking at Josh like he was crazy. Meanwhile, Josh just stood there holding in a laugh, trying to prevent Matt from strangling him.

"Just get out of there! I'm a girl, I'm allowed to take forever in the bathroom. You two aren't, so please hurry up,"she heaved. "Just hurry up and get your gay face away from my makeup, Ramsay."

Josh finished putting on his eyeliner, and slowly opened the door. Oh no.  
Matt could see the smirk on Josh's face; he had a dangerously clever comeback in mind.

"Well, unlike you, I can pull it off. By the way, your boyfriend called me. Said I was a better fuck than you." Josh ran his tongue mischievously over his lips.

Uh-oh... Maybe that was too forward. Amanda was glaring at Josh, looking like she was about to explode in anger. She slapped Josh across the face, and stormed off to her room, doing no further damage to Josh's body, or his self-esteem.

There was some awkward unbroken silence, until Josh spoke. "Should I apologize for that?"

Matt shook his head in laughter. "Probably. You might not be welcome here much longer if you don't."

Josh patted Matt on the back, his touch lingering for milliseconds longer than it should've under regular circumstances. "I guess I'll go do that. See you at school." Josh ran off, leaving Matt by himself. He almost swore he saw Josh wince.

He knew Josh wasn't fine; Matt knew that, but he had other things to do.He had to pack his bag, and finish whatever homework he hadn't already done. Oh, fuck homework. Josh was more important. Josh shouldn't have been left alone, not with the habits he had. Matt had seen the scars on Josh's wrist; they'd been there for the past four years. There weren't any fresh ones there anymore, so he was sure that Josh cut somewhere else now. The scrapes on his knuckles... What made Matt think it was a good idea for Josh to be on his own for more than a goddamn minute?

Matt charged downstairs and out the door. His mother called after him, asking if he wanted breakfast, but he ignored her. If he does anything stupid, it's going to be my fault. I think I made him feel bad about what happened, Matt thought. Matt kept a steady pace all the way to school. Science wasn't until later, and it was the only class he had with Josh. He hung out with Jason, Celia and Ronnie before first period, and went to English when the bell rang. Today was normal... Too normal, with no news on anything or anyone from his friends, which meant that they weren't telling him something. This wasn't something Matt minded at all, because it was usually something he wouldn't want to know. Today was the same, just another day. Which meant that there was something wrong.

English went off without a hitch, and so did every other class. By this point, there was no sign of Josh anywhere. No one had seen him all day, but then again, Josh Ramsay had always been a bit of an enigmatic presence around the school, and a rather disliked one at that. It was lunch, and since the teachers at Magee didn't really care what students did unless it disrupted the peace of the school, Matt opened his phone in the cafeteria. A phone call was fucking needed. Seriously, if Josh was here, Alex Peters would've said something crude to dissuade Josh from speaking ever again. He definitely wasn't at school that day. Matt typed Josh's number into his phone and called him. The phone rang, then it rang again, and again. By the fourth ring, Matt was slightly nervous. By the fifth, Josh still hadn't picked up. The monotonous answering machine picked up the call, asking Matt if he would like to leave a message after the beep. Matt left a message, knowing he would've been called back eventually.

"So, um, you didn't show up today. I know you're not here, because Peters would've been yelling about you. Goldberg will be pissed if you miss his class again, Josh. Try and call me back, okay?" Matt spoke, trying not to sound too concerned or overprotective.

"Your message has been sent to Josh Ramsay, Lord of the Jackasses and will be received as soon as possible," the machine responded coldly. The old nickname Josh had for himself made Matt laugh, thinking about the old days.

The rest of the day was quiet, and so was the next one. By the third, Matt was wondering what he was missing out on. What the hell was going on with Josh, anyway?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that happened. Don't worry, things only get weirder for our protagonists.  
> xxo Gray


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh needs drugs, and he needs them bad. The withdrawal is getting to him, and it might be his end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for drug use, and injury due to withdrawal

Josh groaned, his back aching; this mattress was definitely worse than he was used to by this point in his life. Considering this motel was some shitty truck stop usually used to serve gang-bangers and fellow fuck-ups who had less money than the fifty dollars that Josh was currently carrying on him, that probably should've been expected. His dealer, Andi, wouldn't give him any heroin, because she said that she apparently "didn't have any" and that Josh was "some stupid city" kid that had no actual problems, so there he was, suffering from withdrawal in a fucking motel. Oh, the things he did to keep his life a secret. Goddammit, somehow his pounding headache had gotten worse. How the fuck Hollywood made this appear pleasant baffled Josh; not being able to walk or see straight sure was great. Even with his eyes closed, he felt like throwing up. At least he didn't have to worry about eating, because what ever went down came right back up. One less thing to worry about. Josh took a deep breath and attempted to get up for the third time that evening. His footsteps were shaky and unevenly balanced, making it extremely difficult for him to walk more than five feet without falling on his head.

"Fuck me, fuck Andi, fuck everything. Oh, why couldn't she just give me something!" he grumbled in frustration, falling to the ground.

Josh's already bad week had just been made much worse by his nausea. This head swelling in pain was something he could never get used to. Everything was just one big cycle of "ugh"; the body pain made the nausea worse, which made the headache worse, which made everything just hurt more. Why couldn't it all just go away? He clutched his head, hoping the pressure would distract from the gradually worsening pain. It was futile. The agony just wouldn't leave him alone. It seems the universe wanted him to be tortured. The couple next door, long overdue for a split, having a screaming match made Josh inwardly laugh a little; at least he wasn't the only one feeling broken today. Whatever the fuck the universe wanted, it wasn't going to happen, because that couple was going to stay together and Josh was going to stay an addict. Josh stayed on the ground, deciding it was better than going through further suffering upon his return to the floor. Anything was better than another fall. Seriously, could today's pain get any fucking worse? Somehow the floor was more comfortable than the bed, which was supposed to be the most pleasant feeling thing in the room. He inhaled, trying to temporarily collect his bearings. It was all going to crash down in a second when the next wave of pain came around. He really regretted it, letting his stash get so low. Then again, he regretted a lot of things. He could feel his body temperature rising, further discomfort setting in. He had heard about this feeling from Andi; he would begin shaking uncontrollably soon, she said. Deep breath in, deep breath out. It'll be fine. No it won't.

"If you get hot and twitchy, you probably need an ambulance, or maybe more heroin," she told him many months ago.

Damn, why did he let his stash get so low? He had never done this before... What the fuck was he thinking? Oh, he really wanted to blame somebody for this... Josh felt his arm begin to twitch. His back arched upwards, and after that he honestly couldn't feel much. He would be completely on the ground, then his back would move again. Sometimes, things like this seem to be over in an instant; sometimes, they went one forever. However long the seizures went on for, Josh wouldn't ever care to know, he just wanted them to stop. They kept happening and happening, and by that point, the unpleasant feelings that went along with them were even more unbearable than his previous pain. After a long time, the seizures stopped, and Josh was laying on the ground unconscious. Nothing woke him up, considering he hadn't been able to sleep for...how long, now? Days, weeks; months, even. Thoughts of recent events flowed through his mind; thoughts of Matt, of school, his parents; he cared about all of them, Matt more than all of them. If he got out of here, there was so much he wanted to say. There were some feelings there, he had to admit. Matt was always there, caring for Josh, and after awhile the feelings just popped up. He couldn't control who he loved, and if the highness-induced make out session with his younger by two years best friend didn't prove that, he didn't know what would.

Pushing everyone away just happened, he didn't mean to. He was ashamed of most of his existence, and it's normal to hide things you're ashamed of. They would know when the time was right; it would happen eventually. Right? They would know when the smoke cleared, when Josh was ready. Matt probably wondered why Josh did shit like this to himself. If Josh ever saw Matt again, his explanation would be this: "Everything just felt overwhelming—the cutting, the throwing up, the not eating; it all just stemmed from a need to not feel numb anymore. I'm sorry." Although, the numbness was a nice break from the constant sadness and sense of self-hatred. He admitted to himself that both of them were equally despicable when you couldn't see yourself anywhere else. Maybe even dead before twenty-one, if things continued along this path. Josh hated that Matt wouldn't get his pain unless he himself had gone through it. That was the worst part about being depressed... It was the kind of thing that you didn't really understand unless you've been there. Josh could feel his unconscious form being jostled around a bit. The movement stopped, and he could feel a pinch. Like the needles he had always tried to avoid. The pinch was quick, only a second long, and then it stopped, being replaced with much more jostling. Whoever the fuck was moving him was honestly getting really annoying. His eyes opened sluggishly, and above him was the only person other than himself who could've caused his former discomfort: Andi.

"Jesus Christ, Ramsay. If you were feeling that far gone, you should've called me. Did you want to die?" she yelled.

Die. It was the clearest part of the sentence; yes, he wanted to. Sometimes, when he wasn't high. Everything would just go away if he did, because that's what happens when you die. Everything that tortured you was gone. After a lifetime of feeling lost and useless, nothing would be able to hurt him again. He honestly couldn't take being alive sometimes anymore. Andi's almond shaped eyes were on him, a strong stare taking hold. Whatever the anger was from, Josh didn't know. He assumed automatically that, like he always did, that the bad moods of anyone within twelve feet of him was was his own fault.

"I-I'm sorry," he stuttered out. "Did you call an ambulance?"

Let's hope she didn't. The last thing he wanted was his parents to find out, and they would have to be called if he got sent to the hospital.

"No, makes it easier to get caught. Remember what I said?"

"It's my job to call nine-one-one if I get myself into any shit...not yours." He sighed. "What did you just give me?"

"Do you still feel like you're dying, Ramsay?"

"No...–"

"You're welcome," she said. She handed him some more heroin in a baggie. "Pay me back whenever you can; this much is worth a hundred and fifty."

Whenever you can is dealer speak for: "gimme what you can, and if I don't get all of it within a week, say goodbye to the world." Since Josh had no other money, he was totally fucked.

"I, uh, thanks Andi," he said, a fake smile plastered on his face. At least, he assumed it was fake, since his smiles always were. "Here's fifty dollars," he said, pulling the cash out of his pocket, wincing when the pain in his arm returned.

Andi swiftly took the bills from Josh's hand, a frown on her face. "Now get back to your family before I make you. They're prob'ly freaking out about you, Ramsay."

Josh nodded, agreeing to go home, at least for awhile. "Matt probably is, too, if I know anything..." Josh caught himself before he revealed too much; Andi didn't need to know that much.

"Who's Matt? Cousin? Friend?"

"He's, um..."

"Who? I didn't hear you!"

"He's...no one." Josh reddened.

Andi smirked. "Mmhm, and I'm a virgin."

He looked at her in shock. "Did you just... Did you just tell me you've been fucked?"

"Yup, but it gave me the information I wanted. You're gay–"

"Am not. Girls are hot, too," he corrected.

"Ok, so you like both. Nothing wrong with that. The little blush gave you away, Ramsay." She chuckled.

Josh rolled his eyes. "I'll see you the next time I need anything, Andrea." He grabbed the small bag of stuff he brought to Matt's earlier in the week and walking out the room. "Keep the key if you need it," he said, throwing it to her.

"Get the fuck home already! He misses you!" she called after him. Oh great, his dealer knew his biggest secret! Oh screw this...

The hallway smelled like an assortment of things, vomit and weed predominately, and Josh couldn't wait to get out of it. He still felt like shit, even though there was heroin in his system. It was probably less than he was used to, that being a fairly heavy dose. It's not like the hallway was helping with his mood, either. It was overcast outside, but wasn't raining; BC wasn't exactly known for it's sunny days. He was depressed just the same, and the weather didn't affect that. 

He had hitchhiked here, and didn't feel like doing the same thing on the way back, which meant there was a long walk ahead of him. Better now than later; another three days off from school, and he actually would fail every class. Josh wanted to get out of school as soon as possible, and he couldn't do that if he didn't show up. The first little while went by slowly, and eventually, he had to take a break on the side of the road after a couple of kilometres. He wasn't exactly in shape, after all. Coquitlam was farther away than Josh had remembered; then again, driving seems shorter than walking. The miscalculation was probably his own fault. He had no idea what time it was, but shit, there was a distinct lack of light in the sky. The clock in the motel said a bit after 5 when he left...or was it six? Either way, it was probably close to sundown.

"How are my parents doing?" Josh wondered aloud. If he hadn't needed that so badly, he never would've left home. "They're probably fucking terrified. My fault, too. As always."

His parents had always been the overprotective sort; always caring too much, sometimes stopping him from doing something, afraid that Josh's lack of attention to certain things in life would get him hurt. They loved him, sometimes too much. Somedays he felt ungrateful for not being able to count his blessings, to be happy for what he had, but his head was a shit hole where good went to die on the worst days.

A green sign marking the distance from nearby towns and cities was in front of Josh. Coquitlam really is far away from home, he thought to himself. According to the sign, it was another twenty-nine kilometres away, which was too fucking far for even the average, healthy guy to walk without training of some sort. As he kept going, thoughts of his childhood broke through the barricades in his mind; memories of his mother singing joyfully after she got home from her job, his father joining in when he got home as well. Sometimes Sara and Josh's other sisters would join in, if they knew the tune well enough. Other memories of the old times broke in: befriending Matt, his oldest sister graduating high school, those feelings that he couldn't seem to get rid of. Hell, he even remembered when his parents got their car eight years ago. It was a used 1987 Pontiac Firebird, in the worst possible shade of green. Seriously, it looks like somebody puked all over the goddamn thing. Vomit green, a great colour for a motor vehicle. Josh swore he saw a car just like it pull over in front of him. If he wasn't as confused as he currently was, he would've laughed. There were even people that looked just like his parents in the front seat... That was his parents' car, wasn't it?

"Joshua Ramsay, get in the damn car!" his father yelled. It was the only time he had heard his father be this angry at him.

To put things into words, he was fucked multiple times over.

He ran over to the car, careful not to get hit by other types of transportation in the process. The only type of communication was his father glaring, as well as the concern and disappointment filled glances from his mother.

"I actually was at Matt's..." he trailed off.

"He was the one who told us you haven't been at school," his father said.

"We were driving and saw you on the side of of highway. What were you thinking?" his mother spoke quietly.

That I wanted to die, he thought, yet wouldn't dare say out loud. Wanting to die and admitting to it meant saying you had a problem, which Josh did not.

"I was thinking of... I wasn't thinking. Sorry," Josh said, his voice heavy with guilt.

"Have you been taking your pills?" his mother asked; ever the concerned woman.

Josh was on Prozac, an antidepressant. Correction: he was supposed to be on it; the bottle had been empty for about two weeks. He sometimes forgot, even when he had a full bottle. It wasn't like they did much, anyway. He felt just as terrible whether he was on his damned meds or not. Heroin did more, it took everything away, made it better. At least, when he had enough of it.

"Yeah," Josh lied. "I ran out yesterday."

Lie, lie, lie, it always came so easy.

"At least you remembered that much, honey..." his mother mumbled.

The rest of the car ride was filled with awkward silence, as the looks of exasperation continued. Josh just sat in the back seat, waiting for the day to be over. He almost fell asleep, but the wonder drug kept him awake once again. Trees ran past the window, fading into one green and brown blur; almost made him dizzy. A few more road signs flew by, each one telling him that the retch-mobile was getting closer to Vancouver, and closer to Acadia. He had to admit it, this was the worst day of his life so far. Knowing him, there would probably be days that somehow had more horrendous outcomes than the one he was currently living. The driveway to 1712 Acadia Road came into view, and he was reluctant to get out of the car. He could feel his knuckles turn white as they gripped the door handle, making the scrapes across them even more visible. Please, don't let them notice this... Please.

His father, Miles, opened the door, with a silent "tread very carefully," look being given. Josh unenthusiastically got out of the car and trudged towards the house.

Miles turned towards Josh, and grabbed his only son's shoulder.  
"You're grounded for two weeks. Don't try and weasel out of it, because you're stuck here. Just school, no band practice, no choir, nothing else. You can't run away for a six days and expect to get away scot free," his father said quietly. Josh nodded, and headed downstairs to his room.

He liked being in the basement; it was private. Being secluded was bad for Josh, but good for his bad habits. The little razor he hid in his sock drawer was calling out to him, saying to him: "Use me, Josh. Use me, you know you want to."

Josh really did, and since one escape wasn't working for him, he used another. He really needed it.


	4. I, For One, Am Not Going to Take It Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is grounded, and absolutely bored. He has nothing to do, so he decides to listen to that nagging voice at the back of his skull.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Trigger warning for eating disorders (specifically bulimia), self-harm mention, and drug use mention.

Josh was through three days of his seven day grounding, and was already hating life more. One more day until school started for the week, and six until it ended. He was too busy counting off his days to freedom, that he didn't even notice when his mother dropped off the week's worth of schoolwork he'd missed.

Knowing Matt as well as he did, Josh had a feeling his friend had something to do with the catch-up work. Which meant it was science, the only class the two boys had together. Well, shit.

"How terrific! How fucking terrific..."  
Being without human company had been hard on him, leading to his habit of talking to himself when anxious becoming a full-time thing. He started to feel like a fuck-up, even more so than usual. Everything just felt so wrong.

The work was something he understood minimally, having done the  same class twice before. He had remembered most of what he did from two years prior, and bits and pieces from his second time taking it. He just didn't have the attention span to do the work, which is why he failed.

Josh rolled on his side, and flinched as pressure on some of the more recent cuts on his side caused a sharp pain. "Damn, must've been deeper than I thought," he said to himself. This was bad. If they bled again, someone would probably see, with his parents walking in at least thrice an hour.

 _"Nowhere to hide now, Josh,"_  his voice spoke.

"What?" he replied, hoping for his disembodied voice to shut up.

_"If they catch you, it's over."_

Okay, now he definitely felt like he belonged in the fucking looney bin. He just said something and his own voice responded. This * _definitely_ * wasn't normal. Then again, 'Josh Ramsay' and 'normal' didn't exactly go together; maybe this was just his head processing the–

_"You're going to die."_

Okay, it was him. He was losing his shit. He curled up in a ball, and ignored the stabbing feeling in his side.

"I'm fucking crazy... My voice can't talk without me telling it to."

_"You're sitting here, dying. Nobody's coming to help you."_

Josh wiped his eyes, not even caring about how he looked. There he was, standing in front of himself. _Christ, he needed more sleep;_  seeing things in the middle of the day.

 _"You're sitting here, man. You're fucking dying here, and no one's coming to help,"_ Other-Josh spoke.

"They just have more important things to do. I'm not a big deal." Josh stood up and looked himself in the eye.

_"The baby of the family should be cared about the most."_

"They're fucking busy, it doesn't matter." Josh looked around carefully, making sure other-him had no way of doing anything.

_"They should never be too busy for–"_

"Shut up!" Josh yelled. "You have no reason to say this, and I, for one, am not going to take it anymore!" He swung his arms wildly at his other-self, knocking things over in the process.

Other-Josh stepped back, aghast at his real counterpart had said. Just like that, the mirage was gone as quick as it had come. Much to his surprise, his mother was standing in front of him.

"I heard yelling from down here. Is everything alright, Josh?" she asked.

"I, uh, yeah..." he said, shuffling his papers up from the ground. He sighed, and said: "Everything's good. The work is just...difficult. I'm fine."

"Okay, sweetie. I'll leave you to finish," she said with a smile. She headed upstairs, leaving Josh alone with his mind again. For awhile, he sat there doing nothing, just staring at the ceiling.

Why was the world so terrible? Why did Alex Peters have to be so mean? Andi, who's job was probably killing him, was a nicer person than ninety-five percent of the people at school. Why did it have to be that way? Why did he have to be such a freak? What the fuck did he want to with his life? It's not like he could do anything.

The only person who didn't treat Josh like a freak was Matt, and that was just because the two had known each other for so long. If they had met much later, Josh felt that Matt would've felt that Josh was as strange as everyone said. Hell, his parents probably thought he was a freak, too. No normal son wore eyeliner, or sung like a girl, or was on antidepressants that never worked.

Why the fuck did he have to screw everything up so much? Why did he have to hate himself so much? What the hell was he thinking when he did all of this when it just made everything hurt more? It didn't even make it better any more; not like it used to. What was the point of all of this? It seemed like the universe wanted Josh to suffer...

He was stupid. He was fat. He was a fucking freak... He was the greatest mistake the universe had ever made. Why didn't anything go right for him?

His train of thought was cut off by someone running down the stairs. Someone much louder than anyone he lived with. Who the fuck were they, and why did they think it was okay to interrupt Josh's mental cycling?

Matt walked into Josh's room, a look of relief on his face. He ran over to Josh and tackled the older boy into a hug. Josh flinched, the pressure from Matt's body on his own causing the cuts to sting.

 _"Oh my god,* I'm so glad you're alive..."_ Matt said. Josh shoved Matt off of him, shock evident in his expression.

"Who are you and what the fuck have you done with Matt?" Josh said. He crossed his arms over his chest in annoyance, huffing.

Matt glared. "What the hell crawled up your ass in the week that you disappeared?"

 _More heroin, more throwing up, more feeling afraid._  "Nothing. I'm fine."

"Take off your shirt, then," Matt said, not a trace of amusement in his voice.  
Josh crossed his arms tighter over his chest, his discomfort growing greater by the second. Matt repeated his question again, staring Josh dead in the eye: "Take off your shirt."

"No."

"If you didn't do anything, jackass, then why don't you show me?"

 _Because I wrecked every single thing about myself that I like._  "I don't have to, man. Fuck off."

"At least tell me you're not high again."

 _I'm high._  "I'm not on anything, I'll be fine."

Matt rolled his eyes, patience wearing thin. Josh swore he told Matt nothing about the fucked up shit he's done to himself. How could he know about any of this? Did he say anything?

Matt sighed. "I'm around enough that I'm going to find out eventually."

"Speaking of you being around so much, how'd you get in? I'm grounded.  Remember that?"

Matt chuckled. "Don't change the subject."

"I don't want to talk about my issues."

"Fine, then. Do you want anything to eat."

Josh smiled. *Don't let it break. He can't know. Say "Yes," and everything will be fine.* "Um, sure..." Damn, holding a fake smile is so much harder than it looks. He was so close to cracking.

Matt disappeared upstairs for a few minutes and came back with a lunchmeat sandwich. Tasteless, built-on-carbs, calorie failed garbage. Fucking disgusting, just the same as anything else.

"Here. I just ate before I came over," Matt said, handing the sandwich to Josh. "You look like you need it more than I do." He eyed Matt suspiciously, but forced the sandwich down to avoid further questions on his habits.

"It was..." _disgusting, terrible, repulsing_   "...good." *I can't keep this down.*

"Are you sure? The look on your face says otherwise."

"Yeah, I'm fine."

The brief conversation continued for a few minutes before Josh excused himself to the bathroom. He locked the door behind him, and turned on the sink. _Hopefully he can't hear this._

Josh kneeled over the toilet and shoved his fingers down his throat, ignoring the scraping of his knuckles against his teeth. He gagged, and the minuscule amount he had just eaten was now in front of him, in its half-digested glory.

He wiped his hands on his pants and rinsed his mouth with water, attempting to erase the remains of the dirty deed he had committed just seconds before. If that didn't say "trying hard to avoid questions," he didn't know what would.

Matt was probably getting suspicious of what was taking Josh so long, so he unlocked the door and walked back to his bedroom, where Matt was currently sitting on the ground.

"I see you're having trouble with that. Need to copy my notes?"

Josh shook his head no, appreciating the offer, but not wanting to be a burden. "It's fine. I'll finish on my own," he said. After the 'tonsil hockey' and his own recent disappearance, Matt had no reason to help him anymore.

Matt shrugged. "Okay." The sound of a door opening upstairs made Matt jump to his feet. "I should prob'ly get going." Matt opened the window and slowly shimmied out of the house, just as Josh's parents entered the room. *What a close call that was...*

"Everything okay?" his father asked.

"I, uh, yeah. Everything is great. I-I'm finishing my science up, and then I'm going to head to sleep," he responded.

"I hope it goes okay," his mother said, smiling cheerfully. "Good night."

Josh sat there and struggled through his science for a few more hours. Sundown came, and he was still working. The next time he looked at the clock, it was one in the morning; there he was, still going through all that fucking science work. Another two hours went by before he finished it, so that by three-thirty, he was awake still.

Laying in bed was something he did often. As he got older, insomnia became a closer companion. The drugs didn't help either, but without them, he was miserable; he'd rather be high, tired and happy than sober, awake and depressed.

The ceiling was as boring as always, white and swirly. It never changed. It stayed the same, and Josh said he could say the same about himself. He was the happiest little kid, until middle school. Then negativity struck.

The only thing that sadness and anger was good for was creativity; he got a lot of loud songs written. He played them in public for people occasionally, but no one ever understood. All they heard was the noise, not the meaning behind it. The desperation and depression that had caused those songs went unnoticed. At least until last year.

The look on his mom's face when she realized how bad Josh was doing was enough to make him feel even worse, if that was possible. She tended to ignore his problems, because she didn't want to feel like a bad parent, but when he stopped eating, she intervened.

She made him sit down and eat a whole meal. He kept it down, but the other ones came up. He hated doing this, but he felt so wrong if he didn't. There had to be some way to make it easier. 

Josh searched to find one, and one year later, he found heroin. It provided temporary release, but that was all he needed. From there on out, it was him and heroin; hiding and locking it up. There was no more happiness, or late nights trying to sleep. After that first drag of heroin smoke, it became laying awake, cold and tired. He got used to it, he adjusted his use, just to sleep briefly.

Tonight wasn't one of those nights. He had used some early in the morning, and more after his parents went to sleep. Two hours later, his eyes shut, but sleep didn't come easily. That only happened at sunrise at six am, half an hour before he had to wake up.

One more terrible day was ahead of him, Josh could just feel it.  He fucking hated days when he had this feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is cross-posted on Wattpad, by the way.


	5. A Fucking Dreary Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt takes some of the heroin, only to be found throwing it in the bathroom by Peters. Oops...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for panic attacks, drug use, and threatening behaviour.

It was Tuesday. A fucking dreary Tuesday at that. As if having his best friend disappear wasn't stressful enough, Matt had a bunch of tests that day. His teachers weren't very sympathetic about things going on in people's personal lives; not at all. To make things worse, it had been raining for the past few days.

Of course, English class was kind of boring. An essay needed to be written.  
If what Matt got from the long (and honestly overly personal) speech from Miss Cavialli was correct, he was supposed to write about people he cared about. People like Josh, Amanda and his parents.

If Matt wrote something about Josh, it would illicit attention, and that was the last thing he wanted. Staying under the radar made him comfortable; the lack of attention was relaxing. He was already considered weird enough at school, and didn't need his friends referring to the two as gay even more often.

So Matt wrote his essay about his parents, starting with a: " _it all started with a best man's speech and too much champagne_ ," and went on from there, leaving out the awkward and rather disgusting details of his own birth and all that bloody shit. He went on and on, writing about his childhood and other friends, until Miss Cavialli told them to clean up, and that the essays were due in two days' time.

Matt scribbled down what he could, and put his notebook back it his binder. When the bell rang, he was one of the last people out of the room; he had always been slow at packing up. Today, that was a bad thing, as Celia was right on his toes.

"Hey Matt," she said. Celia sounded happier to see him than usual.

 _Don't. Respond_ , he thought to himself, and kept walking.

"Hey, did I say something wrong?" Matt nodded. "We were joking when we said those things!"

He quickened his pace, hoping to lose Celia to the crowd. _If you ignore her, she'll leave eventually._

"We thought you wouldn't care, anyway. C'mon, we're ninth graders!" she said, chest heaving. "We were just joking; none of us had slept with anyone!"

Okay, there would probably never be someone who understood how Matt felt, but that didn't mean his friends could make fun of him for it. He knew how he felt about people, and that there probably wouldn't be a lot of people that would be willing to learn how hard it was. There was no word to describe why he wasn't attracted to people he had just met; why that grew over time. That made it so much harder to explain.

Keeping his only words of defence to himself, he kept walking. He kept working until he came across his locker, and until Celia was gone. Next was gym, a class that he rarely skipped. He thought it'd be a good time to catch up with his friend. He passed on grabbing his change of clothes and went to Josh's locker, which was a floor below his own.

There Josh was, just as Matt had predicted, standing in front of his own locker. He had pulled a paper bag out of his locker, one that encased something Matt was pretty sure wasn't food.

Josh closed his locker door and blinked at Matt, surprised to see him standing there.

"Hi," Matt said. He was unsure of where to go with this. He couldn't _just ask_ to hand out with Josh instead of going to gym. "I have a free period right now," wouldn't work; Josh knew some parts of Matt's schedule, and considering some of past comments, he was pretty sure this was one of them. He also couldn't make this too complicated. "There's some free time I have right now. Do you want to spend it together?" Damn, that just sounded bitchy. What if he fucked this up? He wouldn't know what to do if he did.  
"So, um, do you... uh, want to," he began. Why did feelings have to make shit so much more complicated. "I have some free–"

"Hey, if you're going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to ignore you. You are terrible at talking when you don't want to."

"I have gym now, and the teacher said we're doing badminton. I c-can get away with...not, um, going," he said, anxiety getting in the way of his tongue.

Josh laughed at Matt's little verbal trip. "I haven't had an actual conversation with you in awhile, so why not," he said. "There's somethin' I need to do first. You might want to hang back."

He was nervous about where Josh needed to go; what if it was like last week, and he left again? Matt couldn't leave Josh alone, even though he wasn't really sure he wanted to follow his friend on the little excursion.

"I don't mind going somewhere different."

"This might not be the kind of crowd you want to associate with. Are you sure?" Matt nodded. "Okay then. Let's fuck shit up!" Josh exclaimed, sticking his tongue out cheekily.

Matt did as he was told and followed Josh. They walked down stairs. They walked down more stairs. They walked down the stairs until he came to a door that led to an area rarely used by anyone except junkies and addicts.

"If you do anything stupid, try not to make it too bad, man," Josh said. Matt glared at his friend. "Just trying to help." He shrugged.

Josh opened the door and playfully shoved Matt through the exit. There were people everywhere, some just smoking a good old cigarette, and others snorting and shooting various drugs.

"Whatever I do here, it stays between me and the other people here," Josh said, gesturing to the crowd of ten that was in the little area. "Understood?"  
Matt nodded.

Josh took a little white powder out of the bag he was holding minutes prior. This confirmed Matt's suspicions; it sure wasn't food in that bag. Josh handed Matt a lighter.

"Hold this for a second. There's more stuff in the bag and it's gonna take me awhile to dig it out."

Matt just stood there. No one has ever handed him a lighter before, not when they had some weird powder with them. He had no fucking idea what to do. Here his best friend was, handing him a lighter so he could smoke god-knows-what. This was _completely_  new territory.

Josh's hand came out of the bag, a triumphant look on his face. "There's the tin foil." _Why the fuck would he need tin foil to smoke something?_ Today was just getting weirder and weirder.

Josh shoved the tin foil into Matt's hands, with the excuse that there was still more in the bag. Before long, Josh had found what he was looking for: a pen shell. This was definitely not something good.

Josh asked Matt if he would mind holding the lighter so he could focus on inhaling the smoke. He very much would mind, but said he wouldn't. He wanted to find out the rest of what was going on, and if this was how he had to find out, he would hold the damn lighter.

He flicked the flame on when told, and tried to ignore the foul-smelling fumes that came when the powder turned to liquid and started to smoke. Matt was worried as fuck about Josh, but he had no idea what to do. Health class was pretty damn limited as to what was actually taught, so if there was a way to help Josh, he wouldn't know it.

His best friend talking snapped him out of his thoughts. "You're a real pal for doing this, y'know that?" Josh said.  
"I usually end up spilling this shit all over the place, and it isn't cheap. Thanks."

Matt brought his shirt to his mouth, using it to filter the vinegar-scented air around him. "It's..." he hesitated. "It's not a problem." Even though it was.

"Good. So you said you wanted to talk? I have about five minutes before my high sets in and I become stupid, so what's up?"

"Goldberg called my parents and told them I'm failing. If I don't get my marks up by next month, I'm doing it again next year." _My best friend is keeping secrets from me, and doing shit that's killing him. I don't know what to do about it, and I'm scared about it_. "But I'm still doing okay in math."

"No, not school. I like to think that other people's heads are as fucked-up as mine. Like, how are you, actually?"

"That means I don't have much to talk about. You try."

"All I've done recently is talk about my own shit. I don't want to."

So Matt talked about his sister and parents; their high expectations for himself, and Matt's fear of not living up to them. He wanted to do okay in life, and didn't know if he could. He said he was terrified, and took comfort in Josh feeling the same way.

"Do you want some of this?" Josh asked

It scared Matt that Josh looked so much happier high; it was honestly kinda frightening. _What was going on in that weird little head of his?_

"Huh...er, pardon?"

"This," he said, shaking the baggie of mystery powder. He wanted to say no, oh he did, but he needed to this away from Josh.

"Sure. Just give me half of it," he replied. Josh looked surprised at Matt's answer.

"Little Matty wants that much?" Josh reached up and mussed up Matt's hair. "Start a bit smaller than that." Josh sighed. Matt swore he heard Josh mutter, "I don't want you to end up like me."

Matt took the small amount he was given and put it in his pocket, pushing it to the bottom. "Thanks."

"Aren't you gonna smoke it?"

"Not right now. I want to be able to get through the rest of the day without being a fucking space cadet."

It's not like he was going to use the contents in the bag. Matt just wanted to get what he could away from Josh; he would chuck it into a trash can somewhere later.

"I really needed that. Seriously, I still feel like shit, but I can tolerate it now." Josh smiled.

Matt shook his head and smiled back at Josh. This was definitely a weird day if there ever was one.

The rest of the day came and gone, and by the next day, Matt still hadn't gotten rid of the powder. He headed home right after that drug-induced conversation, and it's not like he was going to throw it out there; his parents would find it and that would've led to some grand trouble on his part.

The jeans he had worn the previous day were still clean, so he pulled them over his legs. They were slightly uncomfortable with the small plastic bag in there, but he'd find some way to toss it. There had to be somewhere he could throw it out and not be caught.

He went to the kitchen, poured himself a bowl of Fruit Loops and ate in silence. His family was milling about, preparing for the day, all eating their respective meals; his sister was talking on the phone, his mother complaining about it, and his father unsure how to react to any of it. Matt, as always, stayed out of it to avoid having anger directed at himself.

He put his dishes in the sink, avoiding having to do them twice; once now and once at dinner.

He looked in the mirror on the way out of the house and decided his hair looked fine, so he just said _"fuck_ _it,"_ and left it the way it was. There was no damn way he was going to put more effort into his hair than his sister – or even worse: Josh.

Matt was early today, so he could walk instead of his usual rushed sprint. The neighbourhood was a lot less nice than it appeared from a distance. A lot of the houses needed painting, many down to just the plain, old wooden siding; the roofing tiles on some were even beginning to fall off. It's not like it was a poor neighbourhood, but the economy wasn't exactly great, according to his parents. Staying afloat was a bigger priority than roofing nowadays.

It was only seven forty-five, so Matt had no reason to speed up his gait once the school came into sight, since school didn't start for a half hour. The only cars in the lot were those of teachers and other staff, not students and parents.

Matt stuffed his backpack into his locker and headed to the school's basement with the little bag burning a hole in his pocket. Thankfully, the halls were empty; he didn't want anybody questioning him, because there was no reason for him to be there early when he "accidentally" missed class at least three times a week.

Seriously, before he met Josh last year, he was the good-two-shoes weirdo that people laughed at in the halls. Now, he was the slightly-ridiculed choir nerd who skipped class. Not much difference, but the latter was slightly preferable.

The gym was in the basement, as well as the weight room, so maybe Matt could just dump the bag in someone's gym locker and hope to not get caught. _No...that's way too shady_ , he thought to himself. _Maybe I could just dump it into the trash. That way, nobody gets blamed for anything. I won't get caught with possession, and Josh won't get in trouble for dealing. And the poor bastard that finds it here doesn't get in trouble_. So the trash it was.

Matt tossed the baggie into the trash can and ran back upstairs, his breathing fast, heart pounding. He thought nobody had seen him.

Until he heard a voice.

"What'd you throw away there, Webb?"  
_Alex Peters. Well, shit_.

"It, it was just a p-part of my lunch," Matt stammered.

Peters glanced menacingly at Matt. He said, "Oh really? Then why'd you head all the way down here?"

 _Look him in the eye, and don't tell the truth_. "I-I was just going for a jog...around the track...in the weight room." _Stupid! He's going to know I'm faking it._

"Y'know, I think you're lying to me. Do you wanna know why?"

Matt stared into the abyss that was Alex Peters' eyes. "Not really. I think I'm going to head upstairs now – uh–"

Matt stopped when Peters' arm was thrust in front of him. "Not so fast..." Peters paused. "If you were actually down here running, you would know that there's no track inside."

"Yes, I'm realizing that now..." Matt muttered.

Peters pulled Matt closer and crouched down a few inches so he could meet Matt's face. "So what was in _the bag?"_  Peters said.

 _Please don't let the nerves make me admit it, please don't let the nerves make me admit it_ , Matt thought to himself.

"What was in there, Webb? Crack? Acid? _Tell me_!" Peters threatened.

"N-nothing! I don't know, I swear! I g-got the powder from..." _I can't give Josh away, I can't_. "...a friend."

"Betcha it wasn't Moriarty..." Peters paused. "Was it Gellar?" _Does Ronnie really give off the impression of being a pothead_ _?_ "Ooh, it was that chick, Celia." Matt shook his head. "It was, wasn't it?"

"I-it wasn't Celia, Alex."

"Then it was that freak, Ramsay!" Matt grimaced. "It was, wasn't it?"

"N-no." Matt shook with fear. How the hell could he have known it was Josh? Did he really have such a bad rep? "It wasn't Josh, I swear."

"Then was it?"

Matt truly had no idea what it was, but Peters was expecting an answer. _Just say it's nothing again_.!Matt opened his mouth, but the words didn't come out. His voice wouldn't work.

"Scared? I'll let you go, but I'll find out eventually..." Peters said as he began to walk away. "I always find out."

Matt ran back up the stairs and down another set, to the place he was yesterday; a place he knew Peters would _never_ touch, not even with a ten foot pole. Guys like Peters sure didn't want to be around guys like Josh, that's for sure.

There weren't too many people back here now, mostly just guys and girls who looked like they might drop out of school any second. Maybe half of what was here the day before. It was mostly twelfth graders as far as Matt could tell, but there was one guy that looked a bit younger.

That guy was the only one who went anywhere near Matt. "Want any weed?" the guy said.

"No thanks. Gives me a headache..." Matt shook his head. "I'm, uh, Fred, by the way."

Weed Guy put his hand up. "Names aren't needed. Your loss. On the weed thing, I mean."

"It'd be nice to know you as something other than 'Weed Guy,'" Matt said.

Weed Guy chuckled. "Okay then. My name's Jesse. Nice to meet you, Matt."

"I never said my name was Matt."

"Yeah, but you were here yesterday with Ramsay. You guys were loud," Jesse said. Matt looked confused, so Jesse explained further. "Ramsay said your name once or twice, and I could hear you from over there."

"Ah... Sorry."

"No need to apologize, dude. Just be careful, Ramsay's into some pretty deep shit," Jesse said before walking away to where he was when Matt got there.

What did Jesse mean by that? Yeah, Josh was in a pretty bad place at the time, but Jesse couldn't have known about any of _that_ ; from what Matt picked up, they didn't know each other too well. Matt barely knew what was going on, and he had known Josh for two or three years now.

There was no way Matt wanted to deal with his geography teacher already, not if he was going to run into Alex Peters in the hall again on the way to class. Matt wasn't sure if he could deal with any more intimidation from the bastard today. Not on a day like today...

Matt curled up in the little corner he was currently standing in. People had never been his strong point, but on a bad day, it just got that much worse. What the fuck was going on with Josh? There was so much Matt didn't know about his best friend... Why wasn't Josh telling Matt anything anymore? Weren't friends supposed to talk about these things?

Matt's vision was swimming in front of him. He had no idea what was going on; this had never happened to him before. Was he crying? He couldn't tell if he was crying. What the hell was going on?

Was he dying? He must've been dying. A living person didn't look feel like this...

A living person didn't feel like they were having a fucking heart attack.

He was still outside... He could hear voices talking, if he was in class, it would be quiet. Oh god, what was going on!

"Is...okay?" Everything sounded so far away.

"...freaked out... You...something... Scared..."

Both voices were familiar. He couldn't tell who it was. He had no idea what the fuck was going on. He wanted to know, but honestly couldn't care any less. He was scared out of his mind.

Matt's chest was burning. He had to have been dying. A living person didn't feel like they were going to be six feet under within thirty seconds.

A tall figure walked up to him. Oh god, why couldn't he see?

"Hey, Matty. Are...okay?" _Josh_. Matt would recognize his voice anywhere. Matt shook his head.

"It...hurts," Matt said. He had no idea what was going on. This had never happened before. Sure, he was an anxious person, but this was a whole other level of anxiousness... What the fuck was wrong with him?

"What was that? I'm sorry, but...hear you, Matty... You okay?"

Matt shook his head again. "It...hurts."

He still couldn't see very well. He felt like he was looking in through a fish bowl; what the fuck was going on?! His head hurt, his chest hurt; everything hurt.

Josh reached out to touch Matt; Matt just shirked away, burying himself further into the corner he was sitting in.

"Okay...won't touch..." Josh said. "Talk to me – can you talk?"

"Jesse said...something  
...Started...thinking..." Matt could barely hear himself.

"Matty, you're shaking. D-do...need anything?" _Why_ was he shaking? He never shook, never did shit like this...

God, his heart was pounding. He couldn't _fucking breathe_... Why was he feeling this way? He never had this happen before...

Matt shook his head again... God, he felt like a bobble head with all this head-moving.

"Take...deep breath. In...out." Josh waited for Matt to follow. _In and out_. "Now do...again. In and out." _In and out._

Matt mimicked the breathing; it didn't do much, but he tried to follow. God, what was wrong with him?

"Keep...that. In...out," Josh spoke quietly. Matt tried to keep his breathing steady, but he couldn't. "...were doing good. Keep doing that." Matt nodded, trying to give Josh some signal that he was listening.

Matt hated that he couldn't tell what was going on with himself. This was _not_ normal... He was having some sort of breakdown in a fucking druggie corner. What was with this week and coming to this place? He had no desire to go here before. Why did he suddenly come here now?

For awhile Matt just sat there, trying to breathe. After some time, things became clear again. He was in the same place he was before, however long ago his freak out started.

Josh was still there, starting to smoke whatever the hell he was on. The tube was pressed between his lips, but the lighter wasn't on yet. Josh had no reason to stay here, so why did he?

"What happened to you, anyway? You said something about Jesse. Did he say something to you?" Josh asked.

"He, uh..." Matt could still feel his heart beating, faster than it usually did. "He s-said nothing. You don't need to worry about it."

Josh's face fell. He turned the lighter on, igniting a blaze. "Clearly it is. If you hyperventilating in a corner is "fine," you're worse off than me," he said. "He said something to you, didn't he." It was a statement, rather than a question. Josh knew something happened, and Matt had a feeling that Josh wouldn't leave until he got an idea of what happened.

" _Fine_. I was thinking–" Matt began.

"If thinking gets you that freaked out, you might want to drop out then." Josh laughed. "I'm kidding, keep going. Ignore the jackass."

Matt pretended not to hear the self-deprecating remark. "Jesse said something; he just told me you were "in too deep," or something." Matt sighed. "Told me to be careful."

Josh's eyes widened. He seemed to be slightly shocked by this. "How am I dangerous?" He took a drag of his special drug and puffed smoke all over the place.

"I don't know... Look, he said it, I didn't." Matt buried his face into his shirt, trying to avoid breathing in more of the smoke than he had to.

"Oh really?" Josh moved in closer to Matt. The smoke was really getting into his face now.

"C-could you stop that?"

"It's not that easy, Matty."

Josh moved even closer to Matt, a smirk on his face, practically sitting on the younger boy. Matt coughed on the smoke. He wasn't sure if the butterflies in his stomach were from feelings or from the goddamn drug smoke.

"Are you trying to get me high? More importantly, are you high?" Matt moved to the left, trying to get away from Josh.

"No~" Josh sang. "Would you care if I was?"

Josh brought the tin foil away from his mouth; he had been so focused on teasing Matt that he didn't even notice when the liquid had turned back to solid.

"Yes!"

Josh's mouth was now pressed Matt's cheek.

"Aw, don't be silly, Matty," Josh mumbled.

Matt's butterflies were turning into dragons. He felt his face heating up. A little peck was placed on his cheek.

"P-people are _staring_ , Josh."  
Did Josh always kiss people when he was high? 'Cause it seems like that's all he was doing lately around Matt.

"It's only Jesse and some girl from my English class, calm down..."

Matt's fists clenched, leaving little crescent shaped marks where his fingernails were digging in. His breath hitched.

"Then why is he looking?"

"It's me making an ass of myself. Who doesn't like people making asses of themselves?" Josh whispered.

Josh once again plopped himself down on Matt's lap, which was apparently more comfortable than the ground. This was very uncomfortable, mostly due to Josh's large size in comparison to Matt. Not to mention, Josh's ass was bony and digging into Matt's crotch. It fucking hurt.

"I don't, mostly because you're an ass normally." Matt sighed. "Now can you get off of me?"

Matt squirmed away from Josh and stood up, leaving the older boy on the ground.

Okay, Matt having a nervous breakdown on the ground was one thing, but Josh being high and cuddly was another thing; one that made Matt very uncomfortable.

This wasn't Josh, he was just a non-sober idiot with a lack of coping mechanisms. The person in front of Matt was somebody who was the complete opposite of Josh. Someone happy, goofy, and even more of a jackass than the Josh that Matt knew.

Matt stood up, his gaze stony. "Could you go to class, just once?"

"Can't," Josh muttered.

"Why?"

"Too fucked up to go. Someone would know that there's something wrong. This stuff doesn't wear off for a few hours..."

"Do you need help?" Matt asked gently.

"No." Josh sighed. "No one can know. Don't tell."

"I-I said yesterday I wouldn't tell. Nothing has changed."

"They'll know. They always know."

What was Josh talking about now? It was like he couldn't hear Matt at all.

"They see the scars...even if they're covered up. How do they see?"

The paranoia Josh was exhibiting was abnormal, even on a bad day. He _never_ got like this, Matt would've noticed by now. Matt saw his friend falling apart, and he didn't know how to react. It was fucking terrifying to see his best friend fall apart.

Matt walked off to class, feeling guilty, but felt a sense of duty to let Josh go through this alone. Matt couldn't stand to see his best friend like this. He had already missed first period, and was almost all the way through second; more time had passed than he had previously thought. His watch actually came in handy for once.

Matt went to his locker and grabbed his science textbook along with a notebook. At least he hadn't missed Goldberg's class today, because Matt wouldn't want to deal with him again. The bell rang, ending class, so students could collect their things for the next lesson.

Jesse was someone Matt had seen maybe once or twice in the past year. Jesse was relatively plain looking, so he never really stood out. It seems he didn't go to class often, considering the only time he had met Matt was today.

It seems that Jesse knew more about Josh than Matt did, so maybe Matt could talk to him again. Maybe Jesse was right; maybe Josh was into something bad. Whatever it was, Matt had a feeling he hadn't seen the last of Josh smoking that stupid stuff. This was probably an addiction of his, and one that Matt didn't want any part of. If he wanted to keep his friend alive, maybe he would have to.

As he walked into science, his last thought was: _w_ _hat if he dies because of me, because of my promise to keep my mouth shut?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know what half of this is guys. Like, I wrote this about six months ago. It’s a mess. A cliche mess, but one I’m proud of nonetheless.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is (mostly) filler, and some backstory development.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it <3

Josh and Matt were currently spending their Friday night in the Ramsay's basement, working on assignments for school. Matt was supposed to write a song for music class, and he was having trouble coming up with the lyrics. Since Josh had surprisingly finished his own work beforehand, he had begun to help Matt on his. 

So far, Matt only had one verse of the damn thing written down, but it needed a lot of work. It was rough, but it worked, considering he was in ninth grade and had little experience in life. 

He had various words and phrases written down, but none of them really fit together that well. How the teacher expected this assignment to go well completely miffed Matt. 

By this point, he had been working for so long, he had become bored and began writing ham-themed parodies of popular songs. Matt's creativity was extremely lacking. 

"One Ham? Really?" Josh said, feigning disappointment. 

"What can I say, I'm a musical genius."  
Matt laughed, playfully punching Josh in the arm.

Josh pointed at one of the phrases on the page, saying, "Why don't you put that with 'I knew we would walk through a war for some peace of mind'?"

Matt cocked his head to the side. "How exactly does that go with what I've written down?" 

"It's sappy, and girls love sappy, Matt," Josh teased. As much as that was true, Matt didn't want to write a personal song. He wanted his composition to be as static and unemotional as everyone else's should've been.

"And why would that give me a good mark?"

"Miss Gonzales is your music teacher, right? Trust me, she likes sappy." He then added, "I had her a couple years back."

Matt liked sappy, too, but at the same time, didn't really understand it. Feelings didn't really come easy to him; he had just written down whatever came to mind, there wasn't much meaning to any of it. Seriously, he was fucking terrible at this songwriting thing.

Matt backed away from his notebook and pushed it towards Josh. "Well, if you're so good at songwriting, why don't you do it?"

Josh wrote something down and pushed it back with a smirk on his face. "Not gonna write you a love song, Matty. You have to do this, and if I do any more of the assignment for you, you're going to have to give me credit for it." 

Josh had written another suggestion on the paper, giving Matt something catchy enough to write a chorus. He shot Josh an unnoticed smile of appreciation and decided to get back to work.

"Okay. Fine, you win. I'll do the rest."  
Matt rolled his eyes (god, he was spending way too much time with Josh) and proceeded to write. He took Josh's suggestion for the one verse, and stitched it together with a couple other lines. He wrote another verse or two, but the song still didn't work; there was still something missing.

Josh was scribbling something down into his own notebook, although would occasionally look up to pull his sleeve back into place, covering his wrists once again. After awhile, Matt became curious, so he glanced over at Josh's notebook when Matt thought Josh wasn't paying attention. 

He was.

Josh quickly clutched the notebook to his chest, hiding whatever was written on the page. His formerly happy face reverted to its regular misery as he once again tugged at his sleeves. This little gesture set off an alarm in Matt's head. He's hiding something.

"Dude, it's a work in progress," he said. "You'll see it later."

Josh quickly excused himself to do god knows what. The alarm in Matt's head got louder. Matt hesitated; maybe he should stop Josh. Matt knew how Josh got when things were bad – just not the full extent of what he did. Matt reached out to grab Josh's arm, but grabbed a pencil instead, rejudging his decision. Things were awkward enough as it was, and Matt didn't want things to get worse.

Josh left, and Matt continued working, fixing up what he had written, but not adding more to it; he couldn't do that without making the song worse. He stared at the paper, and drew a blank when he tried to write more. Thankfully, Mrs. Ramsay came downstairs, drawing Matt from his useless train of thought.

"Hello, Matt. How are you feeling?" she said.

"I'm...uh, good. How are you?" he replied.

"I'm feeling quite well, thank you. I came down here looking for Josh, but since he's not here, I was wondering if you'd like to stay for dinner."   
Her voice was dripping with motherly sweetness, the kindness his own mother lacked.

Matt politely shook his head no. "M'sorry. My mom is expecting me to be home for dinner."

"That's too bad. Tell your mother I said thank you for inviting us over the other day," she said, and left the room. Matt was now alone in Josh's room. This hadn't happened in awhile.

The room looked as it always had; messy, with clothing and musical instruments covering every inch of space. There was nothing off about it per se, and Matt wasn't feeling courageous enough to purposely snoop around the space, so he didn't touch anything. He did, however, lay down on the floor and look under the bed to see if anything was underneath. Nope. Just clothes... and a little tin box. 

Matt pulled the box out from under the bed and fought to get it open. It was a little dented up, with some chipped black paint along the rim. The box had seen better days, but then again, so had its owner. The lid slid off, and he peered inside. Inside was a razor and some bandages, and something Matt assumed was more suspicious powder. The same stuff Josh gave Matt a few days back. It held the same old bitter smell as the shit that was smoked. The razors had blood here and there, but enough for there to be many marks made by them. The bandages were the re-usable cloth kind, the ones that were able to be washed; little stains of blood tainted the otherwise perfect bandages. This confirmed what Matt already knew, and heard from Jesse: Josh was into some pretty deep shit.

Matt heard shuffling coming from the stairs and shoved the box back where it came from. Josh stood in the doorway, the worried look on his face the same he had the day before.

"Hey...um, what's up? You look like somebody died," Josh said.

Yeah, my best friend. Have you seen him? He's six foot two, black hair, grey-blue eyes... Not an addict. "N-no. I'm fine."

"The look on your face says otherwise," Josh joked.

Matt got off the ground and brushed his hands off on his pants. Hopefully it's not too obvious how nervous I am. "Nope, n-nobody died. I'm great"

"Okay, good. My mom said you needed to get going. I'll walk you out."  
Josh was being unusually chivalrous as of late, although "unusual" was becoming the new normal around here. Matt hated it.

Josh guided Matt upstairs and out the door. The only thing Josh didn't do was walk Matt to his house.

The walk home was quick, the weather was good, and most people were at home with their families; their happy families.

Once Matt got back to his family home, he tossed his bag into his room, and sat down at the table. Everyone else was sitting in their seats impatiently, meaning they'd been waiting for awhile.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was at Josh's doing–"

"Just eat," his mother interjected. "Don't be late again." 

"Sorry, mom," Matt replied.

"Don't make your mother more aggravated, Matthew," his father replied. Matt recoiled at the sound of his full name. He didn't like being called by his full name; it meant something had happened.

"Yeah, Matthew," Amanda hissed.

"Amanda, quiet," his parents replied, leaving Amanda with a stunned look on her face. She always got her way, got away with everything. There was definitely something wrong.

Matt did as told and ate the pasta that was in front of him. His sister began talking about her day, her friends, and the pair of boots that she just had to have.

"Please, mom," she said. "Everyone else has them."

"Next week, there will be a scrunchy that you need to have," his mother replied. Scrunchies hadn't been worn by anyone in the past five years. At least not in Vancouver.

"Please."

"No."

Matt's fork scraped against his plate, creating a loud interruption. Oops...

"H-have a bad day, mom?" he said. 

"There might be budget cuts, but it's happened before. Things will go back to normal in a few days; they always do. How was yours?" she said.

"It was good. I did some of my homework," he said.

"Oh what are you doing in school?" his father asked.

"Song writing. It's harder than it looks..." Matt said. "I have a bit written down, but it's not that great."

"Really? Considering how many musicians there are, it can't be that hard..." Amanda said.

"No, there are people who just write songs for a living, so bands have something to perform. Some musicians write their own songs. It depends on the person, I guess," Matt replied. Matt's mother had started the question on Matt's day in the first place and now she wasn't even listening.

"That's interesting. Don't you think, Debbie?" his father said.

"Very," his mother replied, not looking up from her plate. "I heard from Aunt Kailey today."

His father's head popped up quickly, then returned to his former position of staring at a plate, trying to see disinterested. "Oh really," he said.  
Aunt Kailey was Matt's father's little sister. She and her son became the black sheep of the family, after a, um, certain incident...

"Why haven't we seen her in so long?" Amanda asked. Kailey was the "fun" aunt; she and Amanda had become close after a March Break gone wrong.

"Yeah, dad. Why haven't we seen her in so long?" Matt asked. His family was somewhat secretive, but it was just the four of them here. Word wouldn't have gotten out.

"You know why, honey..." his mother said.

"Don't talk about it, Debbie," his father said.

"No, tell us," Amanda said. Amanda was really pushing this; she must've been pretty serious about figuring out what was going on.

"Well, your cousin Nathaniel–" his father began.

"James, you know he meant no harm by saying what he did," his mother said. Uh-oh...this was getting messy. Cousin Nate was always someone Matt's parents argued about. 

The atmosphere dampened. Nate was a good kid; a little flamboyant maybe. Matt just didn't get why his family hated his dear older cousin.

"I don't know why he couldn't just find a nice girl and get settled down..."

Silence fell over the Webb household that night. Nobody said another word until Amanda sensed the discomfort and changed the subject; "Y'know, I got an A on my chem test today."

Matt's focus returned to his pasta. This conversation was no longer of interest. He finished quickly, asking to be excused. His mother told him to wash the dishes, and he complied, because another a good boy listens to his parents lecture was just what Matt was trying to avoid. 

Running up the stairs two at a time, Matt was eager to get back to work on that song; anything to avoid his family. They weren't as bad as they sounded, maybe just a bit selfish. They were busy, it was fine. He didn't mind. It was good enough for him.

Matt pulled the notebook out of his school bag resting on the floor, quickly realizing it wasn't his own notebook, but Josh's. He must've grabbed the wrong one on the way out. Well, this is just great. At least now he had a better reason to look... maybe there was a blank page in there somewhere.

The first page Matt came to was one that had a song written on it. The writing was circled and underlined so many times, the writing was barely legible. What little Matt could read was familiar, a song the two had performed with the rest of their band.

"It's alright, but that's a lie that's always near," he read aloud. "Sit around and blame the one that put you here."

He could make out maybe one more line of the song; Matt inwardly cursed at Josh for having such messy writing. Something about laughing, maybe. Matt flipped to the next page, and a song that was completely unfamiliar was written on it. The lyrics were something different than something Josh would've usually written. A lot less abrasiveness in the words than normal. This song almost seemed sad, like Josh was explaining his problems, admitting his faults.

The word "alibis" came up several times in writing, so maybe there was something Josh was hiding. There was something about spilling out guts, about fucking up big time. The song ended in a middle of a line, so Matt guessed it was what Josh was working on earlier. 

From what little he could make out, Matt was in shock. He knew so little about what Josh was going through, even less than he thought. Well, if you never ask, how can you expect to get answers? he thought to himself. He had no reason to confront Josh. What Matt's best friend happened to be doing in his spare time was none of his business. 

On another page was a journal entry from over a few years prior, in the same old chicken scratches as before. Matt read the entry over.

_"March 4, 1999_

_Mom and dad took me to counselling again. They think I have an actual problem. The doctor says I need to go on pills to "make the bad thoughts go away," or some shit like that. It's not like I'm going to kill myself, I'm not that far gone. I don't even think about it at all. I mean, feeling something other than sad for once would be nice, but it's not like I need to go on drugs to fix myself. The doctor is kind of an bitch anyway. She could be wrong all of this. For all she knows, I could be fine. There's nothing wrong with me. Sadness is a normal emotion."_

The entry ended there, on a rough note. This had been going on for over three years. This was a year after Matt met Josh, the year they became friends. I guess Josh was better at hiding his feelings than Matt had thought. Josh had only slipped up recently; when things got worse. Much, much worse.

As the other members of his household shuffled upstairs for the night, Matt pushed the book in his bag and feigned sleep. His mother wouldn't know the difference – she was so caught up in her own existence, she only noticed Matt's disappearance when it interfered with her own plans. His eyes stayed open as he stared at the ceiling.

His mother turned off the hallway light, with a "good night Matthew," and the creak of floorboards beneath her slipper-covered feet.

Little did Matt know, things weren't even close to boiling over. The worst was yet to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is relatively lighthearted compared to most of this fic. Also, this is not something I'm particularly proud of.


	7. Close Classmate, Not a Friend. There's a Difference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh tries to get more heroin from Andi, fails, and goes into a mini-mart looking like he just got hit by a car.
> 
> In other news, Matt is frustrated with Josh's antics, but puts up with him anyway, because when you're gay for your friend, you do anything you can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: this chapter contains graphic violence. Viewer discretion is advised.

It had now been over a week since Josh was grounded, and his freedom had since been returned. Good thing, too; Josh's heroin was running low. Sunday was probably the best day for this to happen, because everyone was either at church or at home. Nobody wanted to do anything on a rainy, sleepy Sunday in Van City.

Josh told his mother he was heading out before grabbing his father's wallet and umbrella. She asked him the typical questions, like "where are you going?" and "when will you be back?" He slammed the door behind him, making sure he was being nice and loud; he didn't want anybody to forget he was gone. Josh's family would keep him at home forever if they could.

The rain poured down on Josh's umbrella, creating a cacophony of pounding against the rough fabric. The pouring rain echoed in Josh's eardrum, and before he knew it, it was all he could hear.

Josh walked downtown, to a shabby little apartment building where he was told Andi would be. Apartment number 3F, for preciseness sake. The rusty door took a good shove to get open, and clearly wasn't used too often. There were two options here: death by broken stairs, or death by elevator crash. He walked up the stairs, because there was no way  _in hell_  he was using that forty year old elevator to get to the third floor. Maybe for the tenth floor, but not the third.

He walked up the rickety staircase step by step, until he reached the next flight. Then he walked up another flight, then a third. He walked up three more, and then he was close to his destination. Josh passed apartment A, B, C, D, and E, and knocked on the door of F.

The one who opened that door wasn't Andi; no, she was hiding behind the monstrosity that was currently face-to-face with Josh. That monstrosity was Danny, a man who made Josh look like a shrimp, who was probably the scariest person Josh had ever seen. A man made of muscle, with a big scar running over a formerly broken nose, which was ever so slightly crooked.

"Who ya lookin' for, kid?" Danny said.  
He held a stony gaze on Josh as the confused sixteen year old just stood there.

"Hm?" Josh said. "Oh, I-I'm looking for Andi." Danny didn't move, nor did he respond.

"She's not available," Danny said.

"B-but she told me she would be here," Josh stuttered.

"Oh, I'm here Ramsay. You won't be gettin' anything from me. Not until you pay me," Andi said from behind the human wall.

"That's w-why I came here," Josh responded. "To pay you. I have the money."

"A little late, aren't you? You were supposed to pay my girl back yesterday," Danny said. He pounded his fists together, an effort to intimidate Josh.

"Y-yeah, but I didn't have the money. I do now. I-I can pay you back," Josh said. He was shaking, knees weak. At this point, he wasn't sure whether it was the fact that he was near sobriety, or his nervousness.

"For everything?" Andi said, her small form peeking out from behind Danny the Giant. "You haven't paid me back for last time, and there are a bunch of other times you didn't give me whatcha owed." She took Danny's place as the gatekeeper, standing in front of him in a less-than-intimidating fashion. Her brown eyes glistened with anger.

Josh thought he had payed everything back. He swore he had payed Andi everything he owed, every single time. Josh had done everything he could to pay Andi back; he had taken money from Matt, from his mom, from his dad, and even from Alex Peters on occasion. He had lied about the means to use the money, and would occasionally resort to just stealing bills out of wallets.

Danny walked inside the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him.

"I-I'll pay you back. Right now. I have my own wallet, plus whatever cash is in here," Josh said, taking out his father's wallet and shaking it in Andi's face.

Her face looked shocked. "Little Ramsay? Taking money from his mommy and daddy? I can't believe it." Andi twirled her straightened hair around her pinky. "And I thought you were a good boy." Andi had pulled Josh down to her face, using a surprising amount of force. "Are you really willing to pay me nine hundred? Right here, right now? If you can... I might even be able to give you a little extra. Well, for a little  _fee,_  of course."

Josh immediately found four hundred in his father's wallet and another hundred in his own. He fumbled through them, hoping to find more money, because he really needed this. He needed this, today.

"What do ya say, Ramsay? You gonna be happy tonight? Or are you going to be in the hospital?" she said. "Are you gonna feel like a king in the morning, or wake up in the morning, cold and alone? Just like always."

Josh rifled through his dad's wallet trying to find something,  _anything_  he could pay Andi with. Unless he wanted to almost die again, he needed that heroin.

"I don't want to disappoint you, but the offer is going away as soon as Danny walks out here." Andi placed Josh's hand on her cheek. He stood there, wallets fallen on the ground, frozen in place. "He won't be too happy to see us here, like this."

Josh found a collection of five twenties, leaving him just three hundred away from what he wanted.

Andi's hand moved down, guiding Josh's own hand down her petite body.  _What he would give to be that thin..._ Her hand stopped over her chest, putting extra pressure on the digits that were currently being forced to manhandle another person.

"Another minute of you going through that fucking wallet, and I'll scream. Give me the money, or else..."

"Y-yeah. I'll get that right away."

His hand darted to the ground, picking up the wallets; between the both of them, there was only another twenty-five dollars.  _Shit! There was. No. Fucking. Way._ All that was left was his dad's credit card, and it's not like Josh knew the pin for that.

Andi's hand slid further down her body, taking Josh's hand in tow. "Ten more seconds, Ram-sack. It's not like I  _want_  to be felt up in a hallway." Her hand continued lower, and Josh didn't have the money. It reached the waistband of her pants and continued down.

Josh froze. No matter what happened, he was completely fucked; even if he did pay Andi, she could fucking sue him for his hand moving even an inch in any direction. He didn't want to know what would happen if he didn't.

"Three," she said, sliding her hand over to her right. "Running out of time? Two... One. Out of luck, too, it seems." Andi shrieked, and Danny came bolting out of the apartment, his face red from anger. Andi slipped her hand away, leaving just Josh's in its place.

In all seriousness, he was fucked. Josh slid his hand out of Andi's pants trying to prevent more harm to both his ego and body. Clearly, Danny wasn't going to let Josh off that easy.

A strong force slammed Josh into the wall, knocking the air out of him.

"You sick bastard. You think you can get away with that? Touching my girlfriend? You're lucky I don't kill you!" Danny yelled.

Josh felt a sharp pain in his shoulder, and saw a fist come towards his head.  
He tried to duck, but the hand made contacted with his face. Right next to his eye, much to Josh's chagrin. He crumpled to the ground, but more hits came.

Seven to be exact; he counted. There's not much you can do when you're getting beat up by a meathead in a shitty apartment building, other than scream and cry. An uncontrollable reaction of sorts, that Josh really didn't want. He had been crying enough lately, but clearly the world didn't care.

 _"You deserve the hit. You fucked it up, and you deserve every bit of pain that comes to you. Cry, Joshy. Cry like the baby you are,"_ his thoughts said, so he did.

Joshua Ramsay fucking cried like a bitch.

A kick to the back.  _One_. A kick to the shins.  _Two._  The tears kept falling. Another hit to the face.  _Three._  How was he going to explain this to his parents?  _Four._  One last kick to the stomach.  _And that makes five._  By this point, Josh didn't even care how bad he looked. He just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

_One more kick to the back._

Josh cried out, "Stop! Stop, I didn't mean to, I swear." The pain was coursing through his veins, getting worse with each beat of his heart.

"No one ever does, kid," Danny said. "They just... do it." Danny kicked Josh in the leg one last time, before walking into the dingy apartment after Andi. _The seven deadly sins..._  Hah, the universe loved making fun of Josh.

For a while, he just rested there, on the floor. The ache in his left leg wouldn't make it easy to walk, after all. The pain was growing, thriving, even. If there was one word to describe how Josh was feeling, it was "shit."

Today was great. Just  _great_. Here Josh was, in a scuzzy apartment building that he wouldn't even go near if he was a normal person. All he wanted was some heroin, but somehow he got beat up for being forced to touch somebody's vagina. To add insult to injury, (literally) Andi and Danny had taken the six hundred or so dollars Josh had dug out of the two wallets. At least  _Bonnie and Clyde_  over there didn't check for more cash, as that would've been more humiliating. There was maybe a bit more money in his father's larger wallet; Josh just had a small pouch that he kept money in, and it's not like he could've lost shit in there. Hopefully his dad wouldn't be too suspicious when four hundred dollars went missing from his wallet.

Josh sat forward, another cruel failure of an attempt to stop the pain. His side hurt as much as it did on the ground. Instead of laying back down, he just sat there. A small child walked by with her mother, and by the look the little girl's face, he probably looked pretty bad. She looked fucking terrified of Josh. He reached up to his face, and felt his eye. He flinched the second his finger reached the space around it; holy shit, it hurt. Josh felt something running down his lip – he assumed blood – and wiped it away.  _Yup, blood._ God, it was so much more disturbing to see your own blood when the injury wasn't purposely self-inflicted. He tilted his head forward, letting more of blood trickle out. Damn, he hoped his nose wasn't broken.

Although wandering outside like this was a bad idea, Josh was kind of stumbling around in a mass of bad ideas at the moment, so the time to worry about that was long gone. He crawled into the elevator, because there was no fucking way he was going through those six flights of stairs again. He pressed the button that read "G," and waited for the elevator to go down. It did, but with a loud and unsettling  _thump._  The sounds that were in this building made Josh cold to the core. He grabbed on to the bar on the elevator wall and yanked himself up, walking out as the door opened on the lobby. He had left his umbrella somewhere upstairs, and it was still pouring cats and dogs outside, so he might've had a little bit of a problem. No coat plus no umbrella in pouring rain equals a soaking wet Josh. There had to be a pay phone somewhere nearby, like, near a bus stop or something. Weren't there usually some in public places like this? He spotted one a couple streets up, and walked unsteadily towards it. He dialled Matt's home phone number and put some change in the machine; thankfully, someone picked up.

"Hello?" Amanda said.

"Hi, um... Is Matt there?" Josh said.

"Ugh, it's you," she said bitterly. "I'll call him. Matt, phone!"

Josh heard shuffling in the background as the phone was put on the table, and picked back up about thirty seconds later.

"Hi. What's up?" Josh said.

"Hey. I tried calling earlier, and your mom said you went out. Sorry if it's–" Matt rambled.

"Matt. Stop talking. I'm still out of the house. Pay phones still exist, dude."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't use one unless... _oh my god!_  Are you okay?"  
Oh Matt. Ever the worrier.

"A little cold, but I'm okay. I think my nose might be broken, though."

Matt sighed. "Where the hell are you?"

"Fourth and main. I don't need a babysitter. I'm fine," Josh huffed.  _Okay, my ass. No "okay" person calls their best friend from a fucking pay phone when they have a bloody nose._

"I don't think you'd be calling me from a pay phone if you were. You sound pretty funny anyway." Matt said. Josh remembered he was still plugging his nose. "I'll ask my mom to drive me to the corner store near there. Meet me there." Josh heard the  _ca-chunk_ as Matt hung up the phone.

Josh walked to the corner store, covered in water. The clerk at the desk appeared stunned to see him. He probably looked even worse than he did five minutes ago; blood streaked down his face, hair plastered to his face, and a little eyeliner trailing down on his cheeks from the rain. If Josh wasn't himself, he would probably be scared as well.

"Welcome to Wellesley Convenience Store. How may I help you?" the clerk said, sounding bored. It sounded like he had rehearsed the phrase hundreds of times.

"H-hi," Josh said, faking a smile. It probably made him seem more frightening. "I-is there a bathroom I could use?" He left out the part about meeting Matt here, and that he was beat up by his dealer's boyfriend. Strangers don't need to know everything.

The man behind the counter checked to make sure that the cash register was closed (it wasn't) and pointed to the back of the small store. "Right back there." He pulled out a book and began reading it.

The store was empty other than Josh and the cashier, so Josh just opened the bathroom door and looked in the mirror. He looked just as bad as he thought he should. His nose had thankfully stopped bleeding, and didn't look bruised enough to be broken, so there was no way Josh was going to the hospital to get it checked out. The area around his left eye was a sickly purple that was probably caused by that first hit to the face. It almost  _accentuated_ the gauntness of his face; the way the circles under his eyes stood out, his cheeks caved in just enough. Josh Ramsay could say he looked like shit. He grimaced. How in the hell was he going to hide a black eye from his mom  _again?_  He had no idea. Josh turned the tap on and grabbed some paper towel from the dispenser that looked older than he was. He ran it under the tap and rubbed the rough sheet over his face, being careful not to make his eye throb in the process. Most of the blood was off his face, but some of it still remained. The angry, red, irritated skin stood bright against the rest of Josh's pale features.

Forget his parents; how the fuck was he going to explain this to Matt? Because  _no_ , a  _normal_  friend didn't get beat up in a drug deal gone wrong. A friend didn't call from a fucking public phone because he wasn't sure if he had his own phone on him. A  _normal_  friend  _didn't_ want to kiss his best friend, but Josh did; because he wasn't normal.

Fuck, how was he going to explain this?

Josh heard a bell ring from out front, and assumed it was somebody else coming into the store. He decided it was best to get out of the single-person bathroom before anybody else wanted in. Josh sighed and ran the brown paper over his face once more, making sure all of the eyeliner and blood were off his face, before walking back out to the main part of the store.

*

Matt was waiting there like he said he would be, albeit more impatiently than expected. He sent a concerned gaze to Josh when he saw the older boy. What the fuck had happened to him. Matt's mouth opened, then shut, and opened again. It appeared that he couldn't quite decide what to say at the moment.

Josh chuckled. "Jesus christ, a simple "what the fuck?" will do," he said.

Matt's eyes widened as the concern on his face increased. "You... What... God, you," he said, unsure of where to begin. "Y-you fucking idiot," was all that came out in the end.

"Aw shucks, I knew you cared." Josh reached in for a hug, but Matt ducked under Josh's arms, avoiding his death grip. Josh was taken aback by this, as Matt knew he would be; Josh had shown up at Matt's before looking worse than this and was taken in, no questions asked.

"Not until you tell me what caused t _his,"_  Matt said, angrily gesturing at the spectacle that was Josh's face. "I can't keep helping you if you're keeping me in the dark. You can't go back to my house either, my parents will freak."

"I will, but not here." Josh pulled Matt in close, lowering his voice to a hushed whisper. "Not at my house either. I don't want to give my mom or my dad a heart attack. You saw my face. How would you react if your kid walked in the front door like this?"

Matt inhaled deeply, his patience wearing thin. " _Fine._  Where do  _you_  suggest we go, then?" Josh shrugged impartially, causing Matt to elbow him in his too prominent ribs.

 _"Ow!_  What the fuck was that for?" Josh said, wincing in pain.

Matt shook his head. Good god, this was going to be a long day. "Give me a place to go, and we'll go there. If we can't go to your house, and if we can't go to mine, we'll have to go somewhere, jackass."

Josh rolled his eyes and gave Matt a pat on the back. "Fine then, but you're not going to like it," Josh said. He led Matt out of the store to the pay phone so he could call his mom and tell her where her son was.

Josh told Matt the name of the person they would be staying with just as he told his mother. Matt's jaw dropped.

"Yeah, mom. I'm fine. I'm staying with Jason." As his mother responded, Matt covered the receiver so his mother wouldn't hear what he said to Josh.   
"Why are we staying with  _Jason?_  I thought Jason hated you, dammit."

"He owes–" Josh said. Matt signalled for Josh to wait one second as his mother asked him a question. Matt saw Josh's eyes roll as Matt's focus shifted from friend to phone.

"Are you going to be home for dinner, Matthew?" his mother said, her voice cold.

"I...don't know. I-I'll, uh, call you back. B-bye, mom," Matt responded.

Matt's mother responded with an unwelcoming "Good bye," before hanging up.

Josh crossed his arms over his chest. "Like I said before we were rudely interrupted: Jason owes me one. He got me out of trouble a while back. Why are you so fucking snippy about this? I thought Jason Moriarty was your friend."

Matt gave Josh a pat on the back. "Close classmate; not friend. There's a huge difference."

 _"Right._  I would call a classmate that you hang out with outside of class a friend, Matty." Josh gave Matt a pat on the back as a response to the younger boy's previous gesture.

The two reluctantly began the walk to Jason's house; dragging their feet and shuffling as slow as possible. Midway through, when things got unbearably boring, Josh began singing an old Aerosmith song. Matt eventually joined in, recognizing the chorus. By the time they reached Jason's house, they were halfway through the chorus of Dream On, happily singing to the not-so-happy song. Josh was fine with the moment; Matt was not.

Because his best friend was once again using him as a cover-up for bigger issues.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I go overboard at all? (Not just with the fight lol)


	8. Goddamn Darth Vader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Matt fuck around in the basement of Jason Moriarty. Weirdness ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear this is the worst, most filler based chapter I have ever written. Literally nothing happens except randomness.

Matt and Josh were currently at Jason Moriarty's house. Not for fun, because that would be way too normal; no, they were there because Josh had fucked up and didn't want to go home. Matt didn't even want to be there. He was just there because he didn't think it was a good idea for Josh to be left alone,

Jason had  _stupidly_  trusted the two of them alone in his basement. They were just doing what they normally did together: wrote songs and pissed each other off, with the occasional side order of homework.

"Ewoks: terrible, or not?" Matt said.

"Terrible. Wookiees are Ewoks on steroids. Twice as badass, and twice as funny," Josh replied.

Matt sat there, mouth agape, unable to understand his best friend's reason for disliking Ewoks. "Ewoks are like puppies! How could you not like puppies?"

Josh shrugged, a grin clear on his face. "I never said I didn't like them! Dogs are great. I just said I like Wookiees. They're Ewoks on steroids... Who  _wouldn't_ like them?"

The second time Josh had said the word in that particular conversation. Was there some kind of hidden meaning there...or? "Did you go to that party last year? There was some guy dressed as Darth Vader there. He had the mask, and it made the fucking breathing noises and everything." Oh, if only Josh knew the actual events of the party.

There was something Matt was trying not to ask, something he had every right to know. He bad been involved in this by Josh, and at least deserved to know the bare minimum. He couldn't say anything; he'd promised not to. When he had asked earlier, Josh had clammed up and quit talking. He looked so hurt by Matt's question, and had quit talking. The conversation had resumed only fifteen minutes later, due to neither one being able to stand the awkward silence they had placed upon themselves.

Matt's eyes were currently focused on a missing spot of paint on the wall, using it to keep him from saying anything. "No, I didn't go. I was an eighth grader last year, remember?" Matt said, not completely focused on the conversation.

"Right, yeah. Anyway, you could tell the guy was high off his ass, barely able to stand up. He was spouting some shit about how he could get Leia to hand over the Death Star plans, and threw up all over the dude right next to him. That led to him declaring "Luke" as his enemy," Josh said. That sounded very familiar to Matt, almost like he had heard it before. He figured that it was just a coincidence, before Josh said, "The idiot almost fell over when he tried to leave. I'm pretty sure your sister said he spilled a drink on her or something."

Now Matt remembered; his sister wouldn't let him forget it. Amanda had told Matt about what happened. Josh did some really stupid stuff at that party because he was stoned. Amanda was the one that told Josh about what he did, leaving out that  _he_ was the high-off-his-ass-idiot. It was Josh that had thrown up everywhere, after shouting about Jedi politics and almost getting thrown out by the surprisingly gracious host. He wasn't exactly welcomed back to that house for any more parties...

Matt furrowed his brows, paying extra attention to making his emotions noticeable. "Do you remember that?" he asked. As he said those words, he felt a tremendous weight being lifted off his shoulders, while an even heavier sense of guilt was placed on.

Josh pulled one of his legs in, leaving the other one on the ground, a nervous habit of his. He tilted his head down, causing his hair to fall into his eyes. "Bits and pieces, I guess. I kind of remember smoking outside at some point. Just a cigarette, nothing too bad.  After a while, everything kind of just went blank." Josh sighed. "Look, you said you wouldn't talk about this anymore."

Matt shook his head, putting an unsteady hand on Josh's shoulder. "I can promise that it stays between us. I just want you to tell me what a bit of what happened today."

Josh shrunk away from Matt, his body shaking slightly. "I-I can't."

Matt kept his distance, realizing it was the best thing to do. "Why can't you tell me?"

Josh brought his other leg in, his body resembling a ball. "You don't need to know." The parts of his face that weren't covered by his hair was now shrouded in shadows.

"You called me from a  _pay phone_. I could barely understand you, Josh." Matt could feel his temper rising. He clenched his fists at his sides, breathing in and out.

Josh's gaze shifted from Matt's face to the left side of the room. "I didn't have my phone. My nose was bleeding like a  tap; of course my speech was a little garbled."

Matt moved closer to Josh, and neither of them shifted. "You said you broke your nose."

Josh looked Matt in the eye. "I  _thought_ I broke my nose. It's not broken, though," he corrected. "I am  _fine_." Josh moved over, making more distance.

"You got beat up. You have a black eye! In what world is that "fine," you ass?" he said jokingly. Matt pushed his hand towards Josh's, letting the elder boy grab onto it. Matt could feel his heart pounding through his ribcage.

Josh squeezed Matt's hand empathetically. Bestill his heart. He could feel his face heating up. "The world in which my problems are none of your motherfucking business." Josh gave Matt a sad smile, letting him know that the conversation was over; but he wasn't going to give it up that easily.

Matt shifted his position, trying to get comfortable, before just settling for lying down on the hardwood floor.   
"What if you die?" It had to be said: even within the past few weeks, Josh had been looking a bit thinner. He pulled his hand away from Matt's, his discomfort returning.

Josh turned his gaze towards the floor, brushing his hair out of his blue eyes. "Like I said: I'm fine. Feeling like death is in the past, Matty." He forced a laugh, and put on a smile; just to keep up the tightrope act that was being not-depressed. "I'm not going to die on you."

Matt forced Josh to look at him, putting a tender grip on the face of his best friend. "Really? 'Cause I honestly don't believe you."

Removing Matt's hand from his face, Josh turned away, his back facing Matt. "Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I'll be fine."

Matt didn't care if Josh was facing him. These words were going to be heard. Matt's breaths were deep as he forced himself to say what he needed to say. "I'm guessing they don't know  _what_ you're smoking." Matt didn't know either, but he was playing a game of secrets, and someone was bound to get hurt.

Josh craned his neck around, back still to Matt. "Don't tell them." Josh sighed. "They can't know. I-it would kill my mom."

"I can't promise I won't tell her. She loves you." Matt felt a moral obligation to tell Josh's mom what was going on; she treated Matt better than his own parents did for crying out loud. At the same time, Josh was his best friend. He shouldn't  _want_ to tell those secrets.

Matt checked the clock; it was eleven, and Jason still hadn't checked in like he said he would before he left to go back upstairs. Matt figured that Jason housed them for the night unwillingly and wouldn't press him on it. Josh had said that Jason "owed him something," whatever that meant.

Matt was willing to discuss whether or not he should actually tell Josh's mom what was going on with her only son.  
"Josh, she should know what's going on..." Matt scratched his head awkwardly. He could tell that this was quickly going downhill.

Josh looked at Matt once again, this time in the eye, and asked, "If I get through an entire meal, will you keep quiet?" The look on Josh's face was sincere, like he actually wanted to go through with this. There was not a single hint of lying appearing on his face, Matt saw.

Matt felt he shouldn't have said yes to this, but then again, he didn't know when to say "no." He sighed. "Okay. I know you won't budge anymore on this, so fine."

A slight smile appeared on Josh's face. "Thank you so–" he began.

Matt cocked his head to the side. "So, McDonald's for dinner tomorrow?" He wasn't planning to seem like a dick when he said this; it wasn't his fault his health-conscious parents wouldn't let him eat this stuff.

Josh nodded, a sense of panic flashing over his face; one that went away quickly enough that if you didn't know his expressions well, you would've missed it. "Oh, uh, sure." He laughed.

Matt returned the nod, and smiled. "I'm just going to head to sleep now. Good night." He walked over to the couch and layed down on it.

Josh mumbled something Matt couldn't hear. He could hear footsteps heading upstairs. Josh probably just had to go to the bathroom or something; whatever it was, it was all the same to Matt. His eyes closed, and he woke up in the morning, happy and well-rested.

When Matt woke up, it was because of a door slamming. He stood up to investigate and found Josh sleeping (kind of) on the ground. Matt may have accidentally stepped on him.

"What the fuck is going on...?" Josh said, his voice heavy with sleep. He didn't move, keeping himself curled in a ball.

Matt shook Josh in a futile attempt to get him up faster. "Rise and fucking shine, Ramsmatazz. It's morning!"

Josh chuckled at the old nickname and took a deep breath. "Well, there's no way I'm getting back to sleep. What day is it?"

Matt shook his head, slapping his hand against it.  _"_ _Monday_. It's Monday. I think the door slamming was Jason leaving for school... We should've asked for an alarm clock.  _Shit_." Even though they both knew Jason was being overly-patient with the both of them already. He sat down while thinking of what to do.

Josh propped his head up, chin resting in his hand. "Think about how that would've gone. Jason is doing this out of obligation. Even if we had asked as nicely as possible, we would've gotten a big fat fucking no." Matt rolled his eyes at this, and proceeded to think.

They could sneak back home and grab clothes... No, that wouldn't work. There would probably be somebody at each of their own homes that would catch them. Matt could not take another lecture from his mother on  _"_ _why he shouldn't be tardy_. _"_ They could just go to school... No, that wouldn't work either; Matt didn't have his books, and there was a fair degree of blood on Josh's long sleeve shirt. There were just so many things wrong with either plan that it wasn't even worth thinking about.

Josh stood up, towering over Matt. "Fuck it, while  _you_ think about what to do, I'm just going to  _I don't know_ , start walking to school." Matt looked up at Josh, feeling like both sleep and school were currently the best options. "C'mon, get off your ass and walk."

Matt did as told and stumbled up the stairs in a sleepy fashion. Today was going to be a long, long day. Longer than he ever could've feared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking hate this chapter


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McDonald's meals, parties, drug deals and drunken hookups with your best (read: at this point, only) friend.
> 
> What else is new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is me experimenting with the party stuff, even though I have never been drunk, high, or had sex.  
> I have, however, non-platonically cuddled at the back of a movie theatre with a person I like.

Josh was sitting across from Matt in a McDonald's booth along with a dollar of change and the worst possible food that could've been ordered: a fucking Big Mac. Calories in every single part in it, and if it didn't feel good going down, it would hurt even more on the way up.

Bread was the cause of all his problems, he thought to himself. What the fuck was Matt thinking? If he wanted Josh to eat, he should've just gotten something small, like a kids serving of nuggets. Just because Matt was going to eat it without any qualms didn't mean that Josh would do the same.

There was so much to think about when eating.

Matt was already halfway through his burger, and enjoying it quite a bit, it seemed. "At least try and eat," he said, snapping Josh out of his thoughts.  _Easier said than fucking done when you have no desire to._

Josh shook his head. "Not that hungry, but I'll try it." His stomach churned, giving his body's want of food away. It was the last thing his mind currently wanted, however.

Matt continued eating in silence, and Josh was grateful for the lack of conversation. He hated McDonald's, and not just for the food; there were people everywhere, noisy kids mostly, and that made him jumpy. He didn't exactly have fond memories of the fast food chain, having many incidents involving a slide and rug burn. Shit, those hurt a lot, Josh thought to himself.

"You can always take it home," Matt said after several minutes of silence. "Eat it later, if you're not hungry now."  
Josh was hungry... Sort of. He hadn't eaten much in the past few days, and whatever went down came right back up as soon as possible. Honestly, his throat was sore just thinking about it.

Josh picked up the calorie-filled garbage in front of him and took a bite.   "See, it  _is_ good," Matt said, happier than Josh was.

He forced a laugh, pretending Matt's words were funny. "Yeah, good," he lied. He took another bite, then took another. Josh felt the burning in his throat. Fuck, it hurt to swallow. He ate another bite. By this point, Matt had finished his burger, while Josh was barely halfway through his.

"Are you sure you don't want to take it home?" Matt said, concern for Josh evident in his voice.

Just don't think about it, he thought to himself.  _Be normal, just this once, and eat without making yourself do it._  He forced another bite. Jesus christ, this was going to be a regret of his. "Yeah, I'm sure. There's no point now. It's already half done."

Matt continued talking, about school, the band, the same old mundane shit as always. He talked about his family, and to be completely honest, Josh was drowning it out with his own thoughts. He couldn't remember any of it now, even if he tried.

Josh didn't notice he had gotten through the burger until Matt got his attention. God, why was he thinking so much about this? It probably had something to do with his earlier high wearing off. His self-destructive thoughts went away temporarily when he was stoned, taking away the agony.

"Josh?" Matt said.  _Shit_ , had he been staring? "You kind of spaced out. Are... are you okay?"

Josh smiled. "Y-yeah I'm fine," he replied, putting emphasis on the last syllable. If that didn't drill it into Matt's head that his best friend was fine, Josh didn't know what would. Time to lie his ass off again. "I just need to use the bathroom before we leave."

Matt nodded in response. "Cool. I'll be here."

Josh walked into the bathroom, and looked for an empty stall. He locked the door and kneeled in front of the porcelain, sticking two fingers down his throat, just far enough to emit a gag. He removed his fingers just as the reaction ensued. The acid stung his throat on the way up, and the "choice" of food not exactly making it better. 

He wiped his face with his sleeve, removing any  _visible_ signs of the deed he just committed from his body – if anybody took a close glance, they could probably tell he felt like death. Josh wiped the toilet down with the shitty toilet paper that all public places seemed to have, and flushed it, ridding any remaining signs of trouble, just for now.

He unlocked the door, grateful for the lack of people in the washroom currently. There could've been any number of nosy people in there, but there were none. He could drink to that. Josh rinsed his mouth with water, ridding his mouth of the terrible taste of bile. He swished the water around and spat it out, before taking out a pocket-sized bottle of mouthwash and repeating the gesture once more. There; now he had less of the bitter taste in his mouth and minty breath to boot.

Josh exited the bathroom, and saw Matt sitting there calmly, like he said he would be. He got up once he saw Josh, and the two left that godforesaken restaurant once and for all.

They had just left McDonald's when Josh's cell rang. Josh lifted the phone without checking who it was, as there was a very short list of people who would've wanted to talk to him on a Monday night, Matt being one of them.   
That only left two people...

"Hello?" he said.

"If you can make it to a party tonight on Main, I can give you some for cheap," Andi said.

Josh's eyes went wide in excitement, Matt's matching them as a gesture of concern. Josh wasn't expecting to hear from  _her_  again so soon. "How am I supposed to get there? I'm pretty fucking sure I'm under close watch at home," he seethed.

Matt twiddled his thumbs as he and Josh continued walking. The conversation with Andi briefly continued, and as expected, went poorly.

"How is that my problem? Just do what you always do. Move it, or lose it, Ramsay," she said angrily, and promptly hung up. You could practically hear the eye roll in her voice.

Josh rolled his eyes. "Ugh, motherfucking bitch..." He kicked a stone on the ground, sending it skidding a few feet before landing back on the ground.

"Everything okay?" Matt said.

Josh sighed. "Yeah, I guess, but you've said that too many times today. How are you?" He dragged his feet on the ground, trying to slow his pace to something reminiscent of a snail.

Matt shrugged nonchalantly. "Pretty good. Apparently I have too much free time, so my mom is making me join the school band."

Josh gave Matt a sympathetic pat on the back. "It's pretty fun. I did that class last year; played trumpet," he said, recreating the gesture of the brass instrument being played as he did.

_"_ _Wah-wah-wah!_ _"_ Matt said, pretending to play the trombone, stretching his arm in and out.

Josh laughed at the demonstration in front of him, maybe a little too loudly. "Sorry..." he said. The weird look on his friend's face disappeared when the monosyllabic phrase fell out of his mouth.

"It's fine," Matt responded, giving Josh reason to go back to fooling around.

Josh tried to think of a way to tell Matt that they were both going to a strangers' party, omitting that it was so Josh could get high for low cost; as far as his parents knew, he would be with Matt until late, so he may as well have stuck with the kid.

Josh began phrasing it as if what he was doing was a good idea. "So, how would you feel if I said we were going on an adventure?" It totally wasn't working.

Matt crossed his arms, giving Josh a look that said "drop the bullshit," and rolled his eyes. "Josh, I'm fifteen. Not nine. You know I'm not going to like where you're going with this." And Matt was right; Josh knew Matt would  _fucking hate_ where he was being taken to, but would go along with it. Just to make sure his friend was okay.

Josh cheekily stuck his tongue out. "And I'm sixteen. What does age have to do with this?" As Matt socked him in the arm, Josh continued speaking. "Okay, okay, that was deserved. There's a party downtown tonight, and a friend of mine has an...um, early birthday present to give me, and she's going to be there," he said, deciding against using any exact terms.

Matt smiled, one that Josh recognized as false – probably because it was already known why he wanted to go to that party. "Can I go? I won't say anything stupid." How the fuck did he deserve this great guy as a best friend? "If you're worried about me getting into trouble, I can take care of myself."

"You have no reason not to go. Your parents said if I spend much more time with you, they'll have to pay me," he joked. Matt smiled, this one real, finding the remark humorous.

From there on, they walked, with Josh updating his parents that he might be home late (the dude had a curfew) and that they shouldn't wait for him. They, of course, would wait anyway, because he was on thin ice, and currently wasn't trusted much.

At the party, music was raging loud and honestly made Josh's ears hurt; the air smelled of alcohol and various types of drug smoke, making his vision swim. Then the cravings came on strong. He could feel himself wanting more. Shit, where was Andi?

_More importantly,_  where was Matt? He had disappeared since Josh last had his focus on Matt a couple minutes ago. Hey, I'm just going to go over there," Matt said pointing to the drink table. Dammit, Josh hated the lack of focus cravings gave him.

"Yeah. Oh, uh...sure," Josh said. "Stay away from the tequila, and don't smoke anything I wouldn't smoke, okay?" That didn't rule out much. He gave Matt a playful push, and went off to find Andi.

She was standing at the top of a staircase, looking over everyone, like the ruler of a nation. How fitting, he mused. She probably controlled everyone here, letting them get hooked on one thing or another.

Andi gave Josh a dirty glare, probably not over what had happened yesterday. She had  _made_ him do that. They were probably both in the wrong this time. He had no reason to go along with what she led him into other than getting more drugs, and she had let him. He needed more– _bad._  If he died tonight, at least he knew who to blame.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" he said.

She casually stuck up her middle finger. "Fuck off. If you want anything that'll get you high, it'll be about forty bucks." She knew his stupid habits like the back of her hand, like she did for every one of her customers.

Josh handed her the fifty dollars he had taken from his mother's wallet, and said "Gimme moonrocks." She handed him the baggie, and in it was a significantly smaller amount than usual. "Is that it?"

Andi sighed. "Unless you want to pay another ten dollars, that's it, Ram-sack. Look, there are other people who need my help, so I'm gonna go." She walked away, leaving Josh on his own. 

Honestly, he didn't think it would be that expensive. Honestly, he thought that he could've gotten at least another pinch for what he paid. He switched on his lighter and poured the drugs onto the tin foil, waiting for the smoke to come. When it did, oh, it was the best he had felt in days. It didn't matter that the room was spinning or that everything just seemed so much louder. Josh was high, and that was it. It was all that mattered at the moment.

He took a drag, and let the smoke puff out in front of him, laughing at the shapes it made in the air – a turtle, an oddly shaped guitar – as the form changed from one moment to the next. People were dancing, drinking, grinding, having a grand old time, and then there was Josh: sitting alone on the staircase getting stoned. Sure, there were other people just as intoxicated as he was, but at least they had someone. He knew he had came to the party with someone, he just couldn't remember who. There was definitely someone. The room wasn't the only thing that was foggy. His head was in a daze, and he was going to enjoy it.

Josh got up and poured himself a drink, not paying attention what went into the small cup in his hand. He drank one, tasting the bitterness on the way down, then a second, and then a third. By the time the fourth full glass was in his system, he couldn't remember his own name, let alone who the fuck he came here with.

When he tried to walk, he stumbled. Maybe he shouldn't have another drink...  _Oh, fuck this,_ he thought to himself, and grabbed another drink. He took one gulp from his fifth glass, things getting even hazier. By the time he had downed his sixth, everything went black.

Josh probably did stupid things that night, and whoever he came there with probably did, too. They were at a party where no one knew each other and honestly would settle for humping a couch if they were out of it enough. Although the night was young, and so were they, this clearly wasn't going to be an easy thing to reflect on. This was going to be a night he wouldn't want to remember.

So when Josh woke up the next morning in his own familiar room, there was much to be surprised about. How the fuck could he have gotten home? If he could barely see straight now, how could he have walked. Apparently, he had taken someone home last night; he could feel the leg pressing into his back. Figuring out who the strange bedfellow was could wait. First, he needed an aspirin.

Josh got out of bed, feeling pain when he walked. Yup, something had definitely happened. More importantly, why was he the bottom? Fuck, today was going to be terrific.

He pulled on the nearest pair of pants, and walked across the hall to the bathroom. He pulled out two pill bottles – one containing aspirin, the other Prozac – and took one pill from each, gulping them down with a cup of water. This was definitely one of the worse hangovers Josh has had over the past year; the exact reason why he didn't smoke coke. After you weren't high anymore, you felt worse than usual.

He grabbed the razor and set it against his skin, the cold feeling making it tingle. He dragged it across, the sting slightly waking him up. Crimson blood leaked from the wound, offsetting the chilly air around him.   
He made one more mark, overtop an old scar this time, before someone opened the door.

Matt walked in, mouth agape. "Shit! Don't you fucking knock?" Josh said, his razor making a _clang_  as it hit the ground. It felt like time almost stopped.

"Not when I think everyone else is asleep, I don't," Matt replied. His face was beet red, and if things went down last night the way Josh now thought they did, there was perfect reason to be embarrassed. "D-do you need help cleaning those?"

Josh shook his head. "They'll be fine. I...I'm just going to put a shirt on." He began to put the aspirin away when Matt spoke again.

Matt clutched his skull. Leave them out. My head hurts," he said. Josh dropped the pill bottle back on the counter. Of course it does, Josh thought to himself.  _You got drunk enough to fuck me. Who could do that sober?_ No one, that's who.

Josh spoke, "I'll leave you to it then," and walked out of the bathroom."

Once he found himself alone in his room, signs of last night were scattered around; wrinkled clothes that weren't all his strewn about, a  _hopefully_  used condom, and what he assumed was a baggie of whatever was left over from the shit he smoked last night.

"Fuck," he muttered, repeating the syllable several times. "What was I thinking? I screw the only friend I have, when not one, but both of us were drunk! What a great guy I am..." He picked up the shirt he wore last night and smelled it, hoping it didn't smell too much like whatever he was smoking last night; it didn't, so Josh just threw it on. It was black. If any of the new cuts bled more, it wouldn't matter. No one would see.

He found an unused razor under his bed and used it to pick up the condom on the ground. He leaned over and chucked both of them in the small trash bin in his room. God, his ass still hurt. Drunken monkey sex or not, this was probably more pain than Josh would've expected.

New rule: no fucking (or getting fucked by) your best friend. It just ends badly.

He shoved the drugs under the bed with a light kick, and sighed as he flopped down on the bed. The clock nearby read six am, which explained why he was so tired. What, with the night he'd had, he would've expected at least another half hour of sleep.

Matt came back into the room, repeating the action that Josh had done seconds before. After grumbling something incoherent, Josh said, "Let's agree to  _not_  talk about whatever the fuck happened."

Matt ran his fingers through his hair, dragging it out of his eyes. "Hate to disagree with you, dude, but this is the kind of thing people tend to talk about after a 'date.'"He gave Josh a pat on the shoulder, touch lingering for a second longer than normal. The gesture made Josh's arm tingle, as he let out a little laugh.

Josh made quotation marks with his fingers. "'Date?' If  _this_  is your definition of a date, look forward to an actual one. Way better than getting a sweaty hand-job in the backseat of a car..." he trailed off, and forced a laugh. Matt thought he was awkward.

Matt chuckled, his face red. "I'll take your word for it." He sighed. "Do you even remember what happened last night?" Josh shook his head no.

"No. After a joint and eight drinks, things got kinda murky," he lied. "Why, do you?"

Matt shrugged his shoulders. "I remember seeing you talk to a girl. She handed you... Shit." Matt grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. "Oh god, what did you smoke?"

"Dude, calm down. I smoked a joint." No, no, he didn't. It was something way worse. "Nothing too bad, not the usual."

"Bullshit! You goddamn moron," Matt said his eyes glazing over. "I'm just gonna...go," he said, throwing the pillow on the floor. Matt walked away leaving Josh on his own. What the hell was his problem? Why did Matt care so much?

Oh, Tuesday. What a great day to be alone... Those cuts were still stinging; maybe he should clean them.

Josh once again walked across the hall, tugging the bottle of vinegar out of the cupboard below the sink. He poured the disinfectant on the cloth above, and pulled his shirt up slightly to begin cleaning the fresh wound.

At the first sign of pain, he jumped back slightly. Easing into the pain, starting small, and gradually getting worse, he cleaned the cuts, only stopping once the blood was completely gone. He rinsed the cloth and placed it gently back on the counter. There, done. He gave a sad smile to the man in the mirror, upsetting himself when he received the same gesture in return.

Josh's body looked the same it did yesterday. No significant gain,  _thank god,_ but there was no loss either. He still looked pudgy and awkward; at least the shirt hid that much.

He put his hand up to his side, attempting to count his ribs. Some stuck out, clear as day. He gave a sickening smile as he pressed his fingers over them.  _One,_ he began,  _two... Three._  He couldn't. They just muddled together with everything else.  _Fuck..._  He was shocked. How could they all say he was too thin? He really didn't see it. No matter what, it wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough.

Josh tugged his shirt back down once he heard footsteps upstairs, not wanting to get caught. Personally, he thought he never would.

He continued his day as normal: a bit of breakfast that didn't stay down, brushed his teeth, put on his eyeliner and did his hair. He walked to school–without Matt. He went to every class for a change, even science.He would make today be just like every other; he would burn every record of last night from existence. He would make himself forget if he had to. No one, could know.  _Ever._

He would be even more of a freak than he already was.

Fuck, what a terrific week this was turning out to be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mother, I swear I'm not a drug addict, I just need to know the street names for certain kinds of drug mixtures.


	10. There Are Some Things You Never Tell A Mother, Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A clusterfuck of dialogue, drama, and sibling bonding(?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning  
> \- References to sex with dubious consent involved  
> \- References to eating disorders  
> \- References to underaged drinking  
> \- References to drug use  
> \- References to smoking  
> \- Minor emotional abuse
> 
> Other things:  
> \- Parental awkwardness  
> \- Innuendos  
> \- References to songs  
> 

Matt had just left Josh's room, and was now trying to leave his house before anyone else woke up. Matt didn't want to have to explain to anyone else why his hair was such a mess, or why he was wearing yesterday's now-rumpled clothing again. If he couldn't talk with the person  _it_ happened with about what happened, he didn't want to talk at all. "It" being whatever the hell had happened between him and Josh the previous night. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing either; in fact, Matt was hoping it would happen eventually. Just not while wasted at a party.

He had silently crept up the stairs, succeeding in not being noticed. Until he noticed Josh's mother, Corlynn, sitting at the kitchen table with a mug filled with what Matt assumed was coffee in her hand. According to Josh, it was unusual for to be up before seven. Maybe she had to leave for work. She looked up at Matt, surprised to see him at her house this early in the day. Fucking hell, couldn't things just go right for once?

Corlynn took a sip of her coffee. "Hello Matt. How are you?" she asked.

Matt walked into the kitchen, taking a seat at the table. "I-I'm fine... How are you, Mrs. Ramsay?"  Matt asked. Oh god... did she know?

"Before you get too comfortable, would you mind getting a cup of coffee? I think you'd like to be a little more awake for this," she said, handing him her mug.

Matt got back up, pushing his chair in. He grabbed a mug out of the cupboard, knowing which ones he was supposed to use. "Okay. What's wrong?" He poured coffee into his own mug, and Mrs. Ramsay's mug. Matt handed her back the mug, and she took a sip slowly, letting the caffeine wake her up.

She continued drinking her coffee. "I think there might be something going on with Josh," she said, the words falling from her mouth with great fear.

Matt took a big gulp of the scalding coffee, the heat searing his mouth. "Oh... uh, is there?" he said, feigning surprise. He only knew the half of it, but that was a lot more than what Josh's parents knew.

She looked Matt in the eye, and continued. "He's been home a lot less, and even when he's here, we don't see him. Josh will disappear into the basement for hours and only comes up if he has to – if we tell him to. There's something going on; a mother knows. He... he's your friend, dear. Maybe you could tell me."

Matt promised Josh he would keep this. Oh god, he said he wouldn't tell. At the same time, he would feel even worse about not telling Josh's mom. She loved her son so much.  _Just tell her little bits and pieces, Webb. It'll go fine; you've never lied to her before, so she won't question it._ Matt looked down at the cup of coffee, steam pouring out of it. "There is, well,  _something_  going on," he said, and sighed. "But I don't know either. Just make sure he eats. That's the important thing. Josh'll avoid food if he can. Just, um, pay attention to him." Matt looked back up at Corlynn. "I-I'm sorry for getting back so late last night. I don't even know what happened, and looking back, it was a really stupid decision to stick with Josh. It was so he didn't do anything stupid," he lied. Matt wanted to look out for Josh, but he also wanted to see the appeal of the life that Josh lived; the drugs, the drinking, the smoking. He wanted to know why it was such a big deal for Josh, without getting addicted himself, and if getting blackout drunk was the way to do it, then get wasted he shall. If he could protect Josh,  _loveable, goofy_  Josh, it would be worth it.

She smiled brightly, the kind of smile mothers give when they know you didn't tell the entire truth, but know it will all come out eventually. "Just be quieter next time," she whispered. "You'll learn." Did she know?

Matt's eyes went wide as he felt the blood rush to his face. "W-what do you mean? Are we still talking about sneaking out?" He thought she didn't know.

Corlynn's smile became sincere, and she laughed. "The walls are thinner than you'd think." She took one last sip of coffee before sliding the glass away. "Just take care of him, okay? He might be more trouble than he's worth somedays, but he's good at heart."

Matt's face burned hotter. "I-I will."  _If only she knew..._ "I'm just going to get home — my mom is probably wondering where I am," he said, getting up from his chair. He grabbed both mugs from the table, beginning to clear it.

Corlynn got up after Matt, and grabbed the coffee cups from his hands. "Let me take those. I'll wash them before I go," she said, walking over to the sink. She turned the tap on, rinsing the cups out underneath the running water.

"At least let me dry," he responded, so she did. Matt dried the first cup thoroughly, sliding it into the cupboard. "I don't exactly remember what happened last night." He laughed, hoping it would make the painful awkwardness of the conversation less obvious.

She glared at Matt, he eyes stony. "That is the one thing you cannot tell a mother, dear," she instructed him. "Just as long as you were safe..." Mothers always knew, he guessed. She ran the second glass under the tap, scrubbing it with a sponge in a futile attempt to clean the years old stain on the inside. After drying the cup, Matt walked out of the house, Corlynn on his heels on her way to work.

Matt reached his house, and shoved his key into the lock. When the door swung open, there his mother was: standing around like she actually cared. Please. If she did care, then why did she miss his piano recital every  _single_  year?

She rushed over to Matt and threw her arms around him, rubbing them along his back. "Where were you?" she asked, her breath hitching at the end. Her eyes were red and puffy – like she'd been crying. God, was this his fault.

Taken aback, he stuttered, "I-I was with Josh. Why do y-you ask?" He leaned into the hug, knowing he might get a better answer if he did.

She pulled away from Matt , and placed her hands on his shoulders. "You disappeared for almost  _two days,_ Matthew. Why wouldn't I ask?" She sighed. "I knew that boy wasn't a good influence on you, making you stay out all night like that." But Josh didn't make Matt stay out; that was his own choice. He guessed his mother just didn't like Josh.

Matt closed his eyes, feigning shame. "I thought it would be fun, that Josh might enjoy the company... I don't know. I'm sorry mom."

"That boy is no good, dear. He smokes, you know." Matt closed his eyes even tighter. "Look at me dear, and don't tell me that,  _'everyone smokes'_ because not everyone smokes. He's the bad seed." Oh, if Matt had the nerve, he'd tell his mother what he actually thought; all the things that went unsaid because he was afraid of what would happen if he did say them.

"Josh is not as bad as you make him out to be... He's a nice guy, he's just going through a tough time," was what Matt wanted to say, but he knew what response he'd get to that. His mother would say,  _'Are his parents beating him? Do they feed him enough? – And don't tell me that they do, that boy is too thin.'_  She would blame Josh's parents, even though she had no idea what actually went on; assume, assume, assume is just what she did. It made Matt sick to think about. He couldn't tell her that, not without getting in trouble.

Matt shook his head. "You smoke," he pointed out. His mother's expression changed from worried to irritated.

"Yes, but I didn't plan on working in music, not like your little  _boyfriend_  does," she said. Good god, what did she know? Matt's cheeks heated up, his mother's comment being the main cause. "You talk about him so much; it's obvious, dear. Unless you plan to go through with anything, I don't care. Relationships take up too much time, and your grades are already slipping as it is." She walked out the door to work, which she was probably late for. Matt knew she usually left before he even woke up, so she had probably missed a lot. Amanda, however, was probably still home. He made a mental note to not pass by her room, and if he had to, to pass by quietly.

The sound of a pop song was blaring from the CD player, something by NSYNC, Matt assumed. Amanda worshipped the ground the group walked on, so hearing his music around the house was relatively common. Her voice singing along to  _Girlfriend_  in an off-key tone was the first not-awkward thing he'd heard all day; first his weird thing with Josh, and then the thing with his own mother.

He tip-toed upstairs, thinking about this morning, and what could've happened the night before, after all the drinking and desperation. Matt, too, truthfully had too much to drink last night, after just grabbing a couple bottles and pouring liquor into a cup. After about ten o'clock, he had no recollection of the party, maybe one kiss with someone before blacking out.

Matt ran quietly to his room, grabbing a random shirt from his closet before walking into the bathroom. He pulled down his pants, sighing at the sense of relief after having not gone at all in the past twelve hours, having drank a jumbo cola at McDonald's, a few cans of beer at a party, and a mug of coffee this morning since then. Good god, never again would he drink this much.  _Never a-fucking-gain_ would he have this much to drink in eight hours.

Matt turned on the shower, not caring if Amanda knew that he was home; as long as she didn't talk to Matt, it didn't matter. She would ask about last night, he knew, and that was mostly what he was currently trying to avoid. All she would want to talk about was her little brother's momentary disappearance, and how it once again made her the good child.

The scalding water scorched Matt's skin, the heat turning his skin red. He turned his shampoo bottle upside-down, squirting some of the cold soap into his palm and rubbing it into messy hair – the hair that would be a dead giveaway of what had happened last night to anyone who was over the age of fourteen. At least they wouldn't know who, Matt thought to himself. No, they wouldn't know, but they would assume it was Josh; the boy that  _everyone_ (except Josh himself, by some twisted law of the universe) knew Matt liked.

This was the opposite of what he wanted. This was the kind of thing you wanted to remember, if it was with someone you found attractive. He didn't even know what happened, being too drunk to have any memory of the pervious night's events, but could tell that sex had probably happened, considering the two pairs of pants that were on the bedroom floor the morning after.

When Matt wanted to remember something pretty damn important, he couldn't. He made out with that creepy guy at a party last year while high on weed, of course, of course that was remembered. Somehow, when he  _wanted_ something to happen between himself and Josh – the guy Matt liked –, he couldn't remember it at all.

_Oh, fuck Murphy, and his stupid fucking laws,_  Matt thought. He wasn't really too fond of Sir Murphy, or anyone with said surname, at the moment. He has had enough of everything going wrong. Why did he have to forget just this once? He would've rather screwed a stranger than have this happen... Hell, he would've streaked willingly before —

"Matt!" his sister yelled from the outside, pounding on the door furiously. How long was he in there? It couldn't have been that long, considering he had just gotten home. "Get out of there, and when you do, I am going to kill you!" Amanda's irritation was clear in her voice, as she always was when Matt was a bit slow in the mornings. This was worse than normal, he noted, but she could've just been worried from the Houdini act Matt  had pulled the previous night. Amanda was his sister after all, she probably — "Get out!" she yelled. Nope, she was just pissed off, probably something he would get blamed for later. "You never shower in the mornings unless...you were at a party... What happened?"

Matt rubbed a towel over his hair, shoved the clean shirt back over his head, and pulled some pants on. Underwear could wait five minutes until he had left the bathroom. "I may have been at a party, and I may have slept with someone, and ended up in  _someone's_  basement," he said, omitting most details.  The door swung open, Amanda's hand covering her eyes. "I don't care if you're not wearing anything, but I need to know what happened, so shut up and follow me," she said, grabbing Matt's hand, leading him into the hallway with the one that wasn't covering her eyes, where she sat him down on the floor.

"I know we haven't talked like this in years, but I do care. Talk to me. This is a big deal." She squeezed his hand in a caring manner.

Matt took a deep breath, emotionally preparing himself for what he was about to tell Amanda; she was the only one who could know. She wouldn't tell, would she? "It's someone I know..." he said sheepishly. Amanda gasped, moving her hand away from her eyes. "Someone you know as well. Oh, I can't believe I'm telling you any of this!"

Amanda spoke quickly, "skip to the goddamn point already: who the hell did you fuck and why? Was she hot? Did you owe her something? Last time I checked, Amy Cochrane said you owed her twenty dollars after you forgot your lunch money... Even better, did she owe you some—?" This was where Matt had to cut her off. He had to set Amanda straight, tell her that he wasn't.

_"He,_  not she. I fucked a guy..." Matt said. Amanda went slack-jawed. "Laugh all you want, but it doesn't change a thing."  _Other than the parts involved,_ he thought to himself, and chuckled, easing himself into what he was going to say next. "I think I screwed things up with my best friend last night." Amanda let go of Matt's hands, bringing her own to her face in shock.

Her eyes widened with surprise. "You...you did Josh? Josh Ramsay, the string-bean asshole who lives a few streets up? Wow, okay, this is a lot to process." Matt rolled his eyes, because Josh was as human as the rest of them, maybe a little fucked up, but so was everyone else. For some, their fuckedupness was a bit more obvious than average.

"Quit looking at me like I ran over Mittens with  _your_  car," he said, referring to the cat Amanda had gotten as a child that had since died.

"It's not that, Matt." Amanda smiled. "I'm not mom and dad. I'm modern, and accepting. Maybe bitter that my little brother got some tail before I did, but not judgemental." Matt laughed inwardly at this comment. "Speaking of butts, let's haul ass and get to school. After this little heart to heart, I'll give you a ride, and a reason to avoid Josh after  _y'know,_ considering how quick you got out of there this morning."  
Matt was the one who wanted to talk about last night, but he didn't have to tell Amanda that. He wouldn't mind lying for a few minutes if it meant getting a ride to school, even if it was with his older sister and her obnoxious friends.

She didn't need to know that Matt's reason for being so nervous about the morning after was that he had feelings before that existed the previous night. That would just ruin things. Make things even weirder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote this the first time, I think John Meyer was the musician I used, despite that being an anachronism. I think I started this fic about a year ago, and I haven't written the last chapter yet... Almost there... Almost there
> 
> xxo Gray


End file.
